Let's Pretend We Are Rabbits And I'll Hide Something With Your Eggs

Sometimes I think my life is a Will Ferrel movie, because I just want to punch someone in the face.
Which is why in sex I take the motto "If your not 1st  your last."
But a few days ago I realized on another blog how much I do channel Mr Ferrel when I started rambling on about Jesus, in a manner consistent with Taladega Nights and his George Bush impressions. See a fellow blogger on here that I follow had all these pictures of a creepy and obsessive stalkerish looking Jesus and I found it a bit unnerving at first. But the more he stared at me the more I realized that I liked Creepy Jesus. See this Jesus is relatable to me, he looks like the guy that sits and talks to himself while eating nachos.
My actual montage is as follows (warning this could be construed as irreverent, but trust me it is all said with love):
    
"I think from now on I will make all my prayers care of creepy and staring at me Jesus! My dear Creepy-Staring Jesus! O Holy looking at me through the binoclears from the neighbors house Jesus! Our dear kind and carving our names into your leg Jesus! Great following you home and mumbling about the dog telling you to do things Jesus! Amazing, keeps tabs on me and leaves me random pictures of places I have been, pictures that have me in there, pictures that were taken without my knowledge or my consent Jesus! Yeah, I like that Jesus!"

See, what is more showing of love than a guy that tattoos or carves your name somewhere on his body? And he cares so much he keeps tabs on my life! Sure, we celebrate his resurrection by worshipping rabbits and playing ancient fertility games, but its only cause we like playing hard to get.
I say this year lets proclaim our devotion by piercing each other in remembrance for the piercings he earned being nailed to a cross. And then, if he resurrects us, we will each know his love.
Or if that is a little extreme, we can continue to follow my normal Easter tradition of finding some one to play rabbits with....

My Hypocrisy Only Goes So Far

America. I despise hypocrisy. If you pick up prostitutes on Saturday, please don't condemn strippers on Sunday. For better or for worse, I say what is on my mind and that has cost me friendships in the past. In this new world if you say something that may hurt someone else's feelings they will delete you off of Facebook.
This normally wouldn't bother but I actually enjoyed speaking to this person. And just as I was writing an apology, not for my beliefs, but for sharing them and telling the person to just delete the comments, I find I am blocked from that person. And yes, my comment could have been construed as callous, but if you make a living by selling something similar, why can you get upset?
It would be like being a television actor and showing disdain for the movies. It's the same thing, just in a different medium.
In friendships, I have always believed that people may say stuff that I don't agree with, but if you are friends you respect their opinions...You...agree to disagree. But now a days, people only respect your opinion if it is exactly the same as theirs. If you are a taxidermist and you get offended by the human bodies exhibit, you my friend are a hypocrite. Who gave you the right to say that animal life being put on display is any less significant than human life? Just because you are human? That makes you a speciest.
And if you make money by selling the dead, please don't hate me for finding it funny even if my beliefs are in your opinion in bad taste. Because without people with bad taste, you don't have a job.
I make no excuses for who or what I am. I have often said I am the Monster at the end of this book. It's why I use the pseudonym "Samael" on a blog titled "Sympathy For The Devil". But the difference between myself and everyone else is, I will allow you to say what you believe and I won't judge you for that. If everyone held the same beliefs I did, I would be bored.
It's like PETA condemning people for eating meat and then euthanizing almost 25,000 pets.
It's like Cookie Monster telling kids to eat apples but then snacking on a box of Oreo's.
Be true to your beliefs and don't hide from them. But don't run from those that have different beliefs than you. Because then, in my opinion it means that your beliefs aren't strong enough to withstand intelligent and friendly discussion. And if something I say offends you, well tell me! I will happily discuss it and if it bothers you that badly, we won't have to talk about it together again.
That is the joy of friendship, accepting others despite flaws. I have several, but then again so do you.
But sometimes, I guess, its just easier to be a Hypocrite.

Your Love Makes Me Wanna...

Its springtime, and like my outlook on life, its all a little hazy.
As the world around me comes to life and people laugh and love, I sit alone drinking coffee. After all love is completely overrated. I would like to get it banned.
So today, I am starting a revolution. Every guy that's been stood up, I am ur battle cry. To every man, who's love of their life leaves them for a guy they haven't seen in almost 20 years...I am calling to you.
To any woman, who's been made to feel not worthy because some jack ass cheated or intentionally hurt you, I will be your champion.
We will march against Spring. Stand up to Hallmark. And abolish Valentines Day.
Why should the people that suck find happiness at our expense? I say let's burn this motherf****r down!
That cute little waitress you've flirted with for two weeks won't meet you for coffee? Set her car on fire to show her what she missed out on!
Ladies, that dive instructor guy blows you off? Burn an effigy in front of his business, this way he sees how devoted you would have been!
I say, let's hold monthly meetings, sing camp fire songs like "I broke the antenna of his Cavalier" or "I hooked up with her sister for spite".
We can dance, laugh and giggle in our shared apathy.
Maybe have a bake sale.
Or a "I wouldn't date you without being paid" auction.
These could raise money for our cause.
Instead of a kissing booth, we could charge to slap people.
I think I am on to something here...1st meeting of Vengeful Hearts Club starts on Tuesday. Bring photos to burn and I will supply candles alcohol and if you're cute enough...music to set the mood.

Don't Tax My Patience

Today is tax day. Normally it falls on Apr 15th, but this year it was moved because Apr 15th landed on Emancipation Day. And since it would have been too ironic to make you pay your taxes, they decided to make you free from paying until the weekend was over.
So for the 1st time ever, I had to pay the government. I am not too happy with this as they don't do anything for me. I think my biggest problem with taxation is the amount of money we waste as a nation. What follows is some of the most asinine expenditures of 2010.
1. Taxpayers spent $615,000 to the University of California to scan pictures of the Grateful Dead. This was to digitize the bands memorabilia and concert tickets and preserve a cultural icon. I think this was done because without spending this money, no one would know who they were.
2. Taxpayers paid $1 million to place plaques with poetry on them in zoos. I know that every time I go visit one, I would rather read Frost or Bronte than look at the monkeys. But unfortunately, since this was only spent on 4 zoo's I may never get the chance to see it.
3. A total of $3 million has been given to the University of California to play the World of Warcraft. This money helps ensure that you can keep playing your level 90 paladin and not have to worry about the subscription fees or the endless cup of Mountain Dew.
4. In an effort to understand global warming we spent $700,000 to study methane emissions from cows. Using the lighters and filming it for youtube cost us nothing, however.
5. The National Institutes of Health has spent $442,000 to study how a male prostitute in Vietnam performs. I think they could have gone to 10th Street and saved a 15%.
6. We spent $239,000 to study how internet love works. It seems now love isn't just "grand", it requires a 30 year mortgage.
7. We spent almost $2 million on a Neon Sign Museum in Las Vegas. That's a "Hunk a Hunk" of cash.
8. The National Institutes of Health spent almost $1 million in stimulus funds to study a genital washing program in South Africa. That's money well spent, no one likes to play with dirty balls.
9. The U.S. Census Bureau spent $2.5 million on a commercial during the Super Bowl that only the people at the Census Bureau understood.
10. The National Science Foundation spent $216,000 to find out "whether or not politicians gain or lose support by taking ambiguous positions." I guess we only like doggy or missionary.
I think we should all get refunded for having spent money for any of the above and the politicians that voted for them should have to pay for them out of their own pockets. Or maybe they will give me $200,000 to sit at home and write blogs while eating pizza and playing DCU Online, after all, it wouldn't be more wasteful than this small and incomplete list I have given you.

We Are Living In A Material World And My House Bears Those Markings

How would you like your mortgage paid for you? Well nows your chance and all it will cost you is the value of your home.
A new advertising firm, Adzookie, has discovered a way to ensure it can advertise effectively: by painting its logos on your homes. I think this is a great idea! How many of us wouldn't want to live in the neighborhood that resembles a car from Nascar?
The website for Adzookie is very vague about the conditions of the contract. they never say exactly what they will paint your house to look like. They do, however, offer one picture of their own logo in yellow. But nowhere in the rules could I find that specific language saying that they would only paint their own logo. Instead they say, "if you don't mind brightly colored houses that draw the stares of neighbors." This makes me think that instead of their own logos, they will indeed paint the logos and advertisements of their clients. I imagine, there is a huge disclaimer if one of those clients is a drug for fighting herpes. You could have the drugs logo along with its catch phrase of "making the outbreaks less frequent" right above your front door. I wonder if this would dissuade uninvited guests like Jehovah Witnesses or Girl Scouts.
According to the website the contract is for 3 months but could be extended for one year. Imagine living in your gated community and drawing the ire of the home owners association by living in the Kotex home!
I mean, honestly, how much worse could the advertisements be than what your neighbors already do to their homes? My neighbor just painted his and his boyfriends house bright fuchsia. If they had let Adzookie paint their house, it may have still been bright fuchsia, but it may now also have the Raisin Bran logo.
Since your house is now a giant billboard, think of the possibilities.
One, it would ensure anyone could find you with minimal directions. "Yeah, turn right at the big oak, left at the house with the red door and I live directly across from the Imodium House."
Two, it would give the neighbors something else to talk about, besides the numerous women you bring home while your wife is out of town. Or for you ladies, the different yoga instructors that you bring over after your husband goes to work to help you...ahem...stretch things out.
Three, it will prove to your parents that your significant other ISN'T the biggest whore in town. After all, being paid to live in a home sponsored by Summer's Eve or Angel Soft requires a special kind of prostitution.
I think signing up with this program would be alot like using chat roulette, sure there's a chance a normal person may appear on the other screen, but most likely all you will get is a penis.
After all your home should say something about you. I'd like mine to say "My home is my castle and to the next 20 callers, you can save 15% by switching your car insurance to Geico."

P.eople E.nding T.he A.nimals

Everyone knows that I am an animal lover. Just not in the way that one guy I wrote about loves animals. And we all know how much PETA loves animals too. They just love them to death.
Literally.
A little known, and not advertised, fact is that PETA runs a few animal shelters around the country. And at these shelters, they systematically put to death, on average, 6 animals a day. That may not seem like alot, I eat more animals in a day than that. However, since 1998, they have euthanized 25,840 animals.
And how does the group that breaks into dog shows to free the slaves rationalize this? Well in 2010, they executed 2,200 of these freed slaves to "free them from a world that doesn't want them".
Why can't we use this logic with rapists, child molesters and people that cut me off in traffic?
I applaud the group and don't feel that they are being hypocritical at all. After all, how better to ensure that the animals needs are met than by killing them. That means we are preserving resources like food, water and air. Unless they don't bury them, then the air is fouled again.
After all, we can't expect PETA to use the money they spend on parties and advertising to actually be used to benefit the animals they claim to love. That money is limited and must send a message. And they need all 33 million of that to show hot super models that look like they are dying of starvation proving someone can live on just lettuce.
We can't expect them to apportion say 2 million of that to help feed 2000 more wayward souls. Besides, its only the ugly pets that get euthanized, the cute ones get adopted, so what is the big deal? I say PETA could save even more money to use for advertising its message by just euthanizing all animals. Then we could send the cuter ones to a taxidermist to have preserved forever. This wouldn't require food or shelter and it would ensure that no one was eating them. Then they could have even more photoshops of people starving and looking fabulous.
But they would have to change a few of their videos.  If they take this new stance they could make a new video called "Clubbing With The Seals" or "Pulling The Trigger Keeps Those Eyes Forever Smiling" (because they would be made of glass).
I think PETA is on to something with all this. It is far more inhumane to dress a bear up as a clown, than it is to kill a pekinese. Besides, they are sure to hug them and read them a story before they set up lethal injection.
It probably goes alot like this:
PETA: We are going to save all the animals from horrible lives
Animal: Sweet. Sign me up.
PETA: Now drink the Kool-Aid and we shall return to the great comet in the sky
Animal: Great comet? What the $#% are you people talking about?
PETA: Only once we have left this world can we find the peace that we have been promised.
Animal: Wait, this is definitely not what I signed on for.
PETA: YOU WILL BE ONE OF US! YOU WILL ASCEND INTO THE HEAVENS AND SEE THE TRUE PARADISE!
So follow the example set by this amazing and often rational group of people and off as many animals as you can because after all as they said you're just trying to "free them from a world that doesn't want them".

Why Listen To The Experts? I Know What's Best For You!

It has recently come to light, that a Chicago area school banned the practice of bringing homemade lunches to school. I believe it's so that the students can be as miserable as the faculty.
Principal Elsa Carmona said her reasons for the ban were to ensure students ate healthy meals. I agree with you Ms Carmona, as nothing is healthier than Pizza Friday or Taco-Like Substance Wednesday.
I mean its clear both of those meals are more nutritious than say a gluten free meal a parent may make.
Sure some kids may bring junk food, but its all most will eat when they are adults anyway, so why delay the inevitable?
Of course, there are detractors to the idea. Some claim it is Anti-American to force kids to eat the school food or go hungry. Critics noticed many kids wouldn't eat or only eat marginal amounts and threw most away.
The school district also receives Federal funding based on how many kids eat free or reduced lunches. So it actually pays the school to disallow any outside food sources.
One of the advocacy groups speaking out against this violation to consumer freedom is the Center for Consumer Freedom. The CCF is a non-profit organization that represents the interests of alcohol, tobacco and food industries. According to sourcewatch.com, Philip Morris is their main sponsor.
The group was originally founded in 1995 as the Guest Choice Network, in 2002 they changed their name. The original intent was to rally restaurants, stadiums, and other public places to fight for smokers rights.
J Justin Wilson, a senior researcher for the CCF, claims that this just the schools way of forcing a Socialists agenda.
But really, what's more American than forcing people to do things contrary to regional belief systems...just ask the natives.
I say, they should eat and like it, after all, it teaches kids one valuable lesson. If you can eat school food and survive, you can survive on anything.