My Mood Isn't So Charitable

They say charity begins at home, but I say it must have skipped my house. It seems the world is full of those that want to take, take, take but none that want to give...until now.
See, I have decided to become my own non-profit. After all, those payroll deductions that you give now don't seem to be helping your current charities at all. Else, why would they keep asking you for money? Instead of paying out years and years for charities that make claims about what the funds are for but can't show you where the money went, I will upload pictures to my Facebook to show you exactly how I am using your well placed donations.
See, what I'm proposing is a one time lifetime donation. Once you reach a donation maximum of $5000, you will never be asked to donate again. I will print a cheap pamphlet and mail it to you (C.O.D. of course) that mentions your name as a supporter. Actually scratch that, I will just send you a regular e-mail from my Gmail account. This way, I'm not wasting any of your precious donations on something as trivial as paper and envelops to mail to you.
Most charities offer support to good causes, like the United Way. They help organize programs for groups like the Easter Seals or Sparks (a battered women's program). I, too, will use your donations to fuel a worthy cause. Your money will go directly into a bank account so it can be properly dispersed. These funds will aide in the housing, the clothing and the feeding of a needy individual. It will also be used at times to provide recreational activities, that the designee may not have the opportunity to enjoy otherwise, like a trip to Australia. Or a weekend in Cabo San Lucas.
The funds may also sometimes be used to send the spokes person of the Sympathy Foundation on trips to speak publicly for the organization. These trips, will be only minimally awesome so that money isn't wasted. This means no 5 star hotels, only 4 1/2 ones.
Because the designee may have been denied the luxuries in life, once a year he will be treated to a day of pampering. This will include massages, and designer suits. As well as a educational trip to Las Vegas. This way he can be better educated on the theories of probability.
A portion of your proceeds will also be used to provide medical and dental and life insurance. Wait you know what, forget life insurance, after the designee is gone, he won't care about anything left behind.
So, if you wish to join this worthy cause, please make all checks payable The Sympathy Foundation c/o Benjamin Henry and I will personally e-mail you a letter of thanks.

I Will Take My TV With A Splash Of Reality

I have never been a fan of reality TV, mainly because I can't find anything real about it. I would have loved a Shot at Love with Tila, but the closest shot I had, was of Tequila.
And the real Housewives of Blah Blah Blah...they have the whiniest bitches I have ever seen. If I had that much money, I would find better things to do than complain about how bad my life is. They are to me the modern Marie Antoinette and I think we should hang them in the public square. Eat Cake? Eat this!
All of this stemmed from the Real World. See MTV created a documentary of what would happen if you took 7 people that would never under any circumstance room together in the real world and made them room together in a show called the "Real World". And in this show they manage to find the most neurotic and crazy people in America. The show was instantly a hit, because we watched with all the fascination of a train wreck. The only thing better would have been if one of them had been released from prison minutes before filming began. Imagine the hilarity of squeal like a pig moments. Or stabbing someone with a shank for looking at his food too long.
Then came the Road Rules.
Now this show had an actual premise. Instead of saying, "hey this is the way people live", lets show some strangers in a RV and send them around the country. But lets not tell them where they are going. The show should be about them trying to find clues to their next location and compete in games at those locations. This would have been more interesting if the RV were a piece of crap and had mechanical malfunctions all the time. Also, adding a non housebroken dog to the mix would have ensured constant real life drama. Imagine if the spoiled princess stepped in the gift Rover left!
But they still weren't called reality TV...not until a show on CBS came around...called Survivor.
You may have heard of this. Using the real life concept of only the strong survive, Survivor played contestants against each other for fun and profit. They should have had them fight to death for a t bone after a few weeks of eating bugs.
Now we have Jersey Shore, a show that has made me think even less of New Jersey. If that is indicative of what people in Jersey are like, I say we nuke the damn place and cut our losses.
And isn't Snooki a type of fish? Actually the fish would be more attractive.
So what constitutes Reality TV in my mind? How about real people for one...not the caricatures we have on these shows. Paris Hilton pretending to live a Simple Life...yeah ok.
The Biggest Loser makes fun of fat people, thats not cool. Not at least without offering them bacon...then you could say what you want. American Idol shows us that people that can't sing can get record deals and make albums no one will buy. Of the 20 seasons, only Chris Daughtry had any talent. I think a singing show about people that can't sing and making them cry would have been a better premise. Don't let anyone with talent on it, only those that make you sad for the music they are butchering.
Then you had a few that were funny like For Love Or For Money or Joe Millionaire. These shows used deception to create drama. Now I can't find fault with that idea. Tricking a shallow, conceited girl into thinking a guy is a millionaire when in fact he may be worth $4, is a priceless notion. Actually the girl that won should have been required to help get him out of debt. And the other show had a guy looking for love, but all the women knew that if they won they could dump him and claim some quick cash. This show I had problems with only because thats what most people do anyway. It was a little too real. My ex had me help her get divorced and get on her feet, then ran off with the hot, but poor guy she really wanted to be with.
Then there is The Bachelor. So, you want me to believe some hot guy with loads of money can only find his one true love by having random women paraded in front of him on a TV show. And after 15 mins with each girl, he could know which one is a lifetime commitment? Oh, but he gives the girls that he keeps roses...so thats romantic. I know if I had a harem, I would want to give my ladies roses.
Maybe a reality show set in an active war-zone would hold my attention. Contestants could consist of average reality show fare (like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives) and could be dropped into areas of Iraq or Afghanistan that were still "hot". The only rules is they couldn't hide with US Troops or they would forfeit any winnings.
This would let us see how well hair gel works against mortar fire. And if a Snooki is flame retardant.

Doctor My Heart Hurts Because She Took It And Ran

Relationships. In the end they are always about who is the most selfish. See, in any good relationship there is a giver and a taker. And as long as the giver doesn't mind being taken advantage of, then everything is fine. Because the taker won't care if you mind or not. if you mind too much, the taker will drop you like a bag of bricks.
People constantly say that relationships are 50 - 50, but I think thats what quitters say. Anything less than 100% on your part is a failure on your part. I mean look at it this way, you wouldn't want only 50% of the total amount of oral now would you? No, you would want it all!
Sure, maybe you don't want to rock the boat and maybe he will change and treat you better but honestly lets face facts...he won't. So the question is why do you settle? If you auto mechanic told you that he was only gonna repair your car half way and no discount was offered, you would never use him again.
If your Dr told you that he would cure half your illness but charge you the same price as completely treating you, you would seek another opinion.
So why do you allow a man or a woman to only put forth half the effort to keep your relationship happy and healthy?
This is why most marriages end in failure. It is to easy to move on to another person. Way to easy to walk away. Like car insurance, you could save alot of headaches by switching to Katie or Bridget or John or Mark. I mean why work on something when it gets tough? A new spouse is always easier to deal with and she may put up with your bullshit a little longer than your last one!
If you are a Rolls Royce and he's a crime ridden alley, sure you can park there but your going to get your rims stolen.
This is why I think you should have to attend therapy for 5 years before you are allowed to get engaged. Think of how much you will save in the long run on time, heart ache and money. She doesn't speak  her mind to you yet, live with her three years, she will! And if that bothers you, well you didn't care about her to begin with then. He doesn't stand up to your bullying and guilt tripping? Eventually he will explode and then after he's made the bad guy and you're made the victim, everyone will wonder what went wrong.
Instead of dating based on looks and finances, why don't we look at the person on the inside? If he is successful in business and has shark tendencies in his work, he will be cold and that way with you. If she only cares about comfort for herself, she will never care about your own.
Why can't we just find someone and either grow together into what we both want to be or find that person to begin with?
So, here is my proposition! I am in no way qualified to offer advice or treat you or help you with your problems. But I will listen and offer you real life advice. I will help her open to her true feelings. I will help him not be a door mat. I will teach him to be respectful. I will help her to be more tactful. And all I will charge is 14%. Of your total net worth over the course of 30 years. I get to pick which 30 years. Now, some of you may say that is crazy. But honestly isn't she worth it?
And if my non sensical methods seem to work, and you manage to stay married until death do you part, isn't that money well spent?
And that scenario is for those that already have relationships. For those of you that are single, I can help you find your soul mates using a non scientific and made up series of tests that I don't even look at the results. Kind of like E-harmony. Only with me and not a computer screen.
So come on down and let me fix your love lives...after all I can't screw them up anymore than I have my own.

You May Live Your Life In Fast Forward, But I Prefer A Universal Remote

My good friend Jason Gil is the inspiration behind todays Sympathy. The idea began with a joke about the opposite sex and then it began to weave something much deeper within my fractured mind. So I took another look at the movie "Click". The moral message of the movie is that you should enjoy life and not wanna rush through the bad parts, but I disagree.
I think having a remote control device that affects the world around you would be awesome. Imagine fast forwarding through the boring stuff and rewinding over and over the really good moments. And sometimes, you need to just press pause!
See lets look at it like this, no one really wants to be bitched at by their significant other, so I would just skip all those moments. And I have had some experiences that I can only relive in my mind...how great would it be to hit rewind over and over and over until you are too tired to continue on?
And then there are moments that can make use of all the functions on the remote. Like the time you punched your boss in the face for pissing you off! You can rewind, fast forward and pause to watch that in every possible angle or even in HD or Wide Screen.
Then there are those meetings that your company makes you attend! You know the ones! The ones that make you feel like you are taking part in an infomercial! Don't you wish you had a "next  chapter button" to get past that?
And how about the 1st moment the girl you like invites you back up to her place? Don't you wish you could slow it down and take it all in? And just think, you could do that over and over and over.
And how many times would like to share a 1st kiss with the person you love?
And how many times would you like to skip a kiss from someone that makes you want to vomit?
Or wouldn't you like to fast forward the conversation you will have with your wife about getting fired for looking at asian porn on company time?
And lets go one step further: Imagine a DVR device so you can share the best moments with friends and family! No one believes you scored with a porn star? Then upload the video and play it on Your Tube! Or how about that time you caught your nosy neighbor (who called the cops because you played your music to loud) smoking weed in the back yard, play that video at the home owners association!
Or like the time you saw someone that belonged on the people of Wal-Mart. You could show that off to everyone live and not have to describe who Rainbow Brite is to a 20 year old.
So, scientist like people get cracking. I wanna rewind back the clock and give myself this device when I was 19. This way I could take advantage of all best features while I am still young enough to use them. Of course if you can't invent them, why don't we all pretend that they have! How much more fun would that be then?

Shower Me With Gold And I Will Make You Happy

Ahh the simple things in life. See, what many don't understand is that these are the things that make us most happy. Sure, a fancy car may provide an ego boost because it makes younger women want to date you, but I promise you could live without it. Although, I personally wouldn't but thats because I choose that to be one of my simple things in life.
See, its all about sacrificing some non necessities in order to become truly comfortable and happy.
For instance, toilet paper doesn't seem like much until you are camping in the woods and have to wipe your ass with a pine cone. And a comfortable pair of sneakers may not seem like much but I'd bet a paraplegic would love to be able to use yours.
Sometimes I find it's necessary to show people they don't need alot of fancy things, which is why I set fire to that rich guys house in Sydney Australia this morning. Bet he will know the simple life now. Or why I keyed that rolls royce in the Caiman Islands yesterday, with it damaged, they wouldn't dare show it off and brag about it!
See its the fear of losing all of that status symbol stuff that keeps the rich so damn depressed. It's why they say money can't buy you happiness. See, poor people already feel like the world hates them so they have moved on from caring about or worrying about it. Rich people on the other hand, feel the need to stay popular and superior. This causes them to be moody and sad and lonely. If they found out that a hug would make them feel as good as spending $5000 on a briefcase/purse, it may change the socioeconomic situation in America.
So, I have devised a plan. This is for all upper middle class and higher on the food chain readers. Give me all your worldly possessions and I will hug you whenever and as often as you might need it. Sure, it will be a burden on me, but I will make that sacrifice to help you find true happiness. I will even help you find a minimum wage job with really crappy hours, so that you can appreciate your families at home. We can get rid of the pretenses of superiority and learn how to struggle and try and make ends meet together. Well I will teach you, but I will be forced to live your former life styles.
The cross I will bear to make each of you happier...

Let's Pretend We Are Rabbits And I'll Hide Something With Your Eggs

Sometimes I think my life is a Will Ferrel movie, because I just want to punch someone in the face.
Which is why in sex I take the motto "If your not 1st  your last."
But a few days ago I realized on another blog how much I do channel Mr Ferrel when I started rambling on about Jesus, in a manner consistent with Taladega Nights and his George Bush impressions. See a fellow blogger on here that I follow had all these pictures of a creepy and obsessive stalkerish looking Jesus and I found it a bit unnerving at first. But the more he stared at me the more I realized that I liked Creepy Jesus. See this Jesus is relatable to me, he looks like the guy that sits and talks to himself while eating nachos.
My actual montage is as follows (warning this could be construed as irreverent, but trust me it is all said with love):
    
"I think from now on I will make all my prayers care of creepy and staring at me Jesus! My dear Creepy-Staring Jesus! O Holy looking at me through the binoclears from the neighbors house Jesus! Our dear kind and carving our names into your leg Jesus! Great following you home and mumbling about the dog telling you to do things Jesus! Amazing, keeps tabs on me and leaves me random pictures of places I have been, pictures that have me in there, pictures that were taken without my knowledge or my consent Jesus! Yeah, I like that Jesus!"

See, what is more showing of love than a guy that tattoos or carves your name somewhere on his body? And he cares so much he keeps tabs on my life! Sure, we celebrate his resurrection by worshipping rabbits and playing ancient fertility games, but its only cause we like playing hard to get.
I say this year lets proclaim our devotion by piercing each other in remembrance for the piercings he earned being nailed to a cross. And then, if he resurrects us, we will each know his love.
Or if that is a little extreme, we can continue to follow my normal Easter tradition of finding some one to play rabbits with....

My Hypocrisy Only Goes So Far

America. I despise hypocrisy. If you pick up prostitutes on Saturday, please don't condemn strippers on Sunday. For better or for worse, I say what is on my mind and that has cost me friendships in the past. In this new world if you say something that may hurt someone else's feelings they will delete you off of Facebook.
This normally wouldn't bother but I actually enjoyed speaking to this person. And just as I was writing an apology, not for my beliefs, but for sharing them and telling the person to just delete the comments, I find I am blocked from that person. And yes, my comment could have been construed as callous, but if you make a living by selling something similar, why can you get upset?
It would be like being a television actor and showing disdain for the movies. It's the same thing, just in a different medium.
In friendships, I have always believed that people may say stuff that I don't agree with, but if you are friends you respect their opinions...You...agree to disagree. But now a days, people only respect your opinion if it is exactly the same as theirs. If you are a taxidermist and you get offended by the human bodies exhibit, you my friend are a hypocrite. Who gave you the right to say that animal life being put on display is any less significant than human life? Just because you are human? That makes you a speciest.
And if you make money by selling the dead, please don't hate me for finding it funny even if my beliefs are in your opinion in bad taste. Because without people with bad taste, you don't have a job.
I make no excuses for who or what I am. I have often said I am the Monster at the end of this book. It's why I use the pseudonym "Samael" on a blog titled "Sympathy For The Devil". But the difference between myself and everyone else is, I will allow you to say what you believe and I won't judge you for that. If everyone held the same beliefs I did, I would be bored.
It's like PETA condemning people for eating meat and then euthanizing almost 25,000 pets.
It's like Cookie Monster telling kids to eat apples but then snacking on a box of Oreo's.
Be true to your beliefs and don't hide from them. But don't run from those that have different beliefs than you. Because then, in my opinion it means that your beliefs aren't strong enough to withstand intelligent and friendly discussion. And if something I say offends you, well tell me! I will happily discuss it and if it bothers you that badly, we won't have to talk about it together again.
That is the joy of friendship, accepting others despite flaws. I have several, but then again so do you.
But sometimes, I guess, its just easier to be a Hypocrite.