If This Is Torture, Leave Me Bound In A Sex Shop

Folks, I must admit that I like being restrained. Scarves, belts, tie-down straps, chains - even handcuffs! I especially like the fuzzy kind!

Which is why I am not surprised that a man inside an Orange, Connecticut sex shop had to be liberated from a pair of hand cuffs. I mean, every time I see a pair, I am inclined to put them on without checking to see if there is a key. Because there has to be a key, right?
Apparently, the sex shop didn't have a key...
So, now we have a guy in cuffs, possibly wearing assless leather chaps, handcuffed to a wall on the inside of an Adult Entertainment Store.

Cue the fire department! Of course, firemen don't know anything about locks, but the owners of the sex store thought they could use a chuckle. Imagine being bent over and chained to something while a bunch of big, sweaty men are standing over you giggling. But since this wasn't a remake of Deliverance, the prisoner didn't get his prison movie experience.
At this point I'm sure his wrists were hurting, so they now called in the local Police Department. The officers tried to unlock the cuffs with several keys - after they, too, stopped laughing at the poor pervert.

But alas, it was to no avail...the poor, unnamed man was still stuck.
Then taking a page from the Dominatrix Handbook, police broke out the bolt-cutters. I wonder if the officers made him beg permission to be freed, before lightly slapping his ass with a riding crop?
Surely though this isn't the most embarrassing way to have cops called while visiting a sex shop...at least he wasn't using any of the toys. Talk about "Good Vibrations."
I just want to know why he put on the all metal cuffs. I mean, he is a bit of a sadist. Unless you are a police officer of some kind, you don't need these! What else was he buying that day: some rope, some duct tape, and some chloroform? I think they should have looked at missing persons reports and find out if this guy was nearby any of them.
Officers weren't sure if he was forced to pay for the broken cuffs, but I am sure that he did - in the form of his pride and dignity.

Airway To Heaven

One pilot took the idea of "God as his co-pilot" a bit too literally which resulted in mutiny aboard a Jet Blue aircraft. Clayton Osbon, 49, apparently lost his mind and the crew and passengers had to take him down.
It's not like flying is stressful these days - long lines, baggage fees, potential terrorist sitting across from you, and the crew reassuring you that every bump is in fact not the plane coming down. So, I can't understand why the passengers abroad Flight 191 were so upset that their Captain was running up and down the aisles screaming about going to meet Jesus. They were in Texas after all, and doesn't everyone in Texas want to go be with God?
Things for the Captain started off pretty crappy...he was late for work and missed the pre-flight meetings. Then once they got in the air, he tried to talk to his co-pilot about their flight to Las Vegas. He was telling his co-pilot "Vegas is full of sinners" and "we aren't going there." He was just trying to look out for the spiritual welfare of his passengers! He told his co-pilot that his church had given him "focus." When Osbon told the co-pilot that terrorists were everywhere and that they "should take a leap of faith" because "things just don't matter", his co-pilot decided to take the Captain down.
Now I ask you, why would you mutiny against such a sensible man? The co-pilot told the Osbon to get up and walk around to clear his head. Once out of the cockpit, the Captain began running up and down the aisles screaming about "the new flight plan to visit Jesus." This naturally freaked everyone out, because no one really wants to hurry and meet Jesus... So the now freaked out passengers were happy to aide the co-pilot in his revolution. The Captain, knowing that if he wanted to take everyone to see Jesus he would need to be flying the plane, tried to return to the cockpit but found the door locked - because another pilot on board had rushed into the cockpit and locked him out. The Captain became enraged and began beating on the door screaming about marshmallows and kamikaze bears. He was overheard also screaming at his mutinous crew "You better pray now for Jesus f***ing Christ!"

When the co-pilot spoke into the intercom asking the passengers to restrain the pilot, the passengers punched Osbon in the face and left him zip-tied in coach. During the melee a flight attendant was hurt and the whole time Osbon accused the passengers of being part of the 9/11 conspiracy and how "Iran to Jesus" and more nonsense than a Dr Seuss story.
I don't know what is worse, being relieved from command or being forced to fly coach.

This Is SO Alien To Me

Folks..what will you be doing when the world ends? If the Mayans are right and the sun sets for the final time on December 21st, 2012, will you spend those last moments huddled up with people you love? And (still assuming they are correct) knowing the end is coming, what will you do to prepare?
If you are one of the New Age hippies flocking to the Pic de Bugarach, you'll spend these last days rock climbing - naked.
Because let's face it, the world is surely coming to an end. We know this because everyone, from Jesus to that crazy homeless guy who asked you for quarters, has been telling us this! Because there are signs everywhere! They are in all shapes, sizes, and colors - I like the new one for Starbucks!
Which brings us back to the hippies...See Pic de Bugarach, the upside-down mountain, is the supposed inspiration for Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth. But instead of finding dinosaurs and proto-humans, the mountain is actually a garage. For space people. From galaxies far, far away. Who will be returning to rescue their faithful on - you guessed it: December 21st, 2012!
So, now over 20,000 hippies have invaded this town of only 200 people - which has the local residents up in arms! Sure, the smell of marijuana drifting down the mountain isn't so bad, and neither are the sweet campfire songs about love and peace, and sure they are boosting the local economy...but when a resident accidentally stumbles across 20,000 naked hikers - well, those people need to go!
Add some accusations of strange rituals to the naked mountain treks and the only sign you have is that your new neighbors are part of a cult. Of course, the mountain has always drawn strange people. Steven Spielberg supposedly went there and came away with the idea for "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Hippies have  flocked to the mountain since the 1960's because it "emits strange magic rays."
The mountain is unusual because the top of the mountain is actually older than the base. Scientists think this is because a volcano erupted under it and sent the peak flying into the air and when it landed: it did so upside down. The Hippies say this is rubbish and the reason beyond the geological discrepancy is because a race of super aliens used older rocks on the top. I guess those kinds of conclusions require a scientific method that has the control group hitting acid.
Their alien masters are supposedly asleep inside the mountain. I guess they must have told the Mayans when they planned to set their alarm, because the Hippies believe the aliens will wake up on December 21 and gather all of their "children" into their spacecraft. I have read enough science fiction to know that when aliens gather people up, it isn't to save them from themselves - it's to save them for dinner! It's called stocking up your larder! I say we prepare for an invasion of Purple Space Bears from Uranus!
The mayor, Jean-Pierre Delord, has requested help from the French army  (whether it is because he feels riots will take place when the world is still here on December 22nd or he fears a mass suicide) is unknown.
He is quoted as saying, "After this over, I think we will throw a big party with wine and cheese."
Maybe that is the right idea...after all, it's not uncommon to see naked people dancing once you introduce alcohol to the equation.

Getting To Work Costs An Arm And A Leg

We have all done things to get out of work. Some of us have faked illnesses. We call our bosses and hoarsely whisper that we have the Bulgarian Monkey Pox and are too sick to come in. Some of us fake tragedies - like the 8th funeral of our Me-Maw. But one man in Vienna...chopped off his own foot.
An as yet unnamed 57-year-old man in Austria decided the best way to avoid returning to work would be to make himself unemployable. See, the man had been living on unemployment for the past year or so and he decided this is a sweet gig. So, just hours before meeting with the unemployment office to determine whether or not he was fit to go back to work, he held his left leg up against the electric saw in his workshop. Then because he couldn't think of anything better to do with his now severed foot, he tossed it into the oven. I wonder if he planned to serve it up medium well?
Then while bleeding profusely, he hobbled out of his garage to call 911. I think if he can do all that while bleeding everywhere then he is more than capable of working at McDonald's. He apparently already knows how to operate a stove and cutting utensils!
My question is: "What could someone have done to get out of work that didn't involve amputating a leg?"
Would a note from his mother have excused him from his interview that day?

Or could he have used one of the traditional excuses of contracting the Monkey Pox while attending Me-Maw's wake?
Or maybe the problem is that his solution wasn't drastic enough!
So I have come up with sure fire ways to prove you aren't fit to work anymore.
1. Gain a lot of weight. You should become morbidly obese. I mean, you should need Jerry Springer to forklift your ass out of bed. This way no one would ever believe you were capable of actual work!

2. Call the employment office and tell them a Shetland Pony is standing on your pubic bones. Then Photoshop a picture of a horse standing on you. E-mail that picture and tell them to call animal control to help you get that  "shitty pony off [your] pelvis."
3. Get arrested. A lot. By being naked in public. This will show future employers that you don't like clothes. Show up at your interview wearing only a smile..and some socks, because let's face it - your feet are gnarly.

4. Develop a Tic. Like randomly shouting "Jesus" or "Donkey-f***er" sporadically in conversations - not only with other people but with yourself! Or maybe a physical tic - like randomly twitching and staring at the person your talking to! Maybe bob your head a little and act like you're trying to give that person the crazy eyes. I don't know of too many prospective employers who would want you dealing with customers if you exhibit any of these.
5. Daily Hygiene. As in: stop it. For the entire time you are on unemployment, stop bathing. Also, don't wear any colognes or deodorants. When you finally are forced to visit the employment office, bring a bottle of FeBreeze with you. Tell them that it really works in making you smell fresh. When they tell you that you need to bathe, tell them it is against your religion and if they ask what religion tell them you are a member of the Church of Satan.
6. Tell them you are a member of the Church of Satan. I think this one doesn't need any further explanations.
7. Talk in rhymes. Speak as if you exist in a Dr Seuss novel. You should answer always in rhyme. You should constantly ask the time. You should make sure they know. You should tell them it is time to go. Take a boat for a row, own a yard that you mow? Surely the goat will live by the moat and you can lead a herd full of turds into the sun..okay I'm done.

O B G Y - am I in here again?

Like many Americans, I find going to the gynecologist uncomfortable. But over the past couple of days, I have been exposed, in varying degrees, to the wonderful world of Obstetrics and gynaecology.
Let's start with my trip to the delivery room. Normally, if a guy is hanging out in the delivery room, he's there because the condom broke - secretly wishing Maury Povich would pop out of the bathroom screaming, "Not the father!" But I had no such secret wishes, because I was in the wrong room. I didn't realize my mistake until half-way through videoing the experience and the nurses threw me out. I thought Karen looked a lot more tan than I remembered!
Making my way to Craig and Karen's room, I paused to reflect on my own memories of my sons birth. I was freaked out because his head looked like a football and he was the color of grape jam! I knew that Craig would be feeling similarly and so I walked in prepared to offer solace to my old, dear friend.
It wasn't long into my lecture on proper use of birth control before the nurses threw me out of this room, too.
The nerve of some people...

So anyways, an hour later and my dear friends welcomed little Kenzie into the world. I left knowing that sleep would be a thing of the past for these two, and also knowing that I would return the next day to meet little Kenzie for the first time.
The next day, I accompanied my girlfriend to an OBGYN appointment. We were there to ensure that we didn't have an unexpected bundle of joy introduced into our equation - by getting an IUD. I had offered to accompany her into the back as moral support, but I assumed she would have me wait in the waiting room.

As I sat down, this young, pregnant black girl gravitated over to us. As Jo checked in, this girl smiled and nodded and sat down. Jo turned around and saw our new "buddy."
My beautiful, expressive girlfriend looked at me as if to ask "why the hell did you pick a seat to wait next to the only other person in the office?"
But before I could give a look that would have said, "I feel the exact answer to query is much too in-depth to be given via facial expression alone," the girl began to ask us questions.
Without even a warm up question, she looked Jo in the eye and asked her if she was pregnant. Not wanting to be rude, but also not wanting to encourage conversation, Jo merely answered with a curt "no."
Undaunted, or perhaps taking Jo's answer as an invitation to chat, the girl began to tell us her life story.
She also told us that we should be pushing out babies like an assembly line in China makes cheap electronics.
We sympathized with the girls plight of having two kids already that were being raised by her mother, but tried our best to dissuade any further discussions.

When the nurse came out to call Jo back, I immediately jumped up and said "that's us!"
Jo merely looked at me comically as we went back into the examination room.
Once back there, she asked "what the hell were you thinking sitting next to someone like that." I then told her how the girl meandered over to me after I had already sat down. The inappropriate talker apparently needed someone to vent with. Perhaps she wouldn't have needed to vent had she gotten an IUD after her second child was born...
The Doctor came in to perform the procedure and we all shared a laugh at the inappropriate talkers expense.
As the procedure started, I marveled at the fact that I was still conscious. I watched her poke and prod and I almost came close to saying that the IUD would be unnecessary because after witnessing such a thing, I didn't think I could ever have sex again.
In mere moments the event was over and we were ready to leave. The Doctor looked at us as she left saying, "The IUD is effective immediately, you two enjoy your weekend."
You know what...after what I witnessed...I may never enjoy a weekend again...

P D Nay

Folks, it's time that we shed the light on inappropriate touching. Sometimes, it's just not okay! That's why I am happy to announce that one school in New Jersey is finally cracking down on the behavior and banning their students (who are aged 11- 14)...from hugging.
Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School is looking to limit the ways young people greet each other and I say it is about time! In a world where kids are committing suicide due to bullying, I know the best way to combat that is to prohibit acts of affection!

We all know that hugging is the gateway touch. It can lead to things like: shaking or holding hands. Imagine if they didn't stop this criminal behavior - people might accidentally brush someones arm or drape an arm over their shoulder *shudders*.
I say we start petitions to end all forms of physical contact. They world would be a much safer and more sanitary place! After all, I don't know where your hands have been, so, why would I want them feeling me up?
Besides, we all know that if we let 11-year-olds hug then they could get pregnant! The principle that created this ban must be afraid that the students may start singing that song that goes "Billy and Katie sitting in a tree. H-U-G-G-I-N-G."
Because we all know that when we get older, a woman that is really into you will show that attraction by giving you a friendly hug - similar to the one you get from your grandma! This type of affection lets you know exactly what you mean to her!
Principle Tyler Blackmore made the announcement after students were caught in the unspeakable act. I could misquote him as saying that 'after crossing that line, there is no returning and those kids are damned to be prostitutes and drug addicts,' but that would be unfair to all the prostitutes that didn't receive hugs as children!
Superintendent David Healy says "no student will be disciplined for hugging," but "they needed to know what is considered proper contact between peers." Which is only fair, because I remember when I played ball, we were encouraged to slap each other on the ass - and that is way more appropriate than hugging each other!
Folks, band with me and let's limit all physical contact to the only acceptable solution - via the internet using emoticons!

I'd Hire You, But You Didn't Friend Me

In these tough economic times, many of us are struggling to make ends meet. And some of us are out looking for new jobs. But how many of you would be willing to let your prospective employer snoop through your personal Facebook site? 

In a startling new trend of invading privacy, companies and government agencies are demanding full access to our lives in order to hire them. So, now to get a job you may get asked about work experience, have to give blood, promise away your first born, invite the whole company to snoop through your house, let them drive your car for a weekend getaway, and give them your passwords to all your social networking sites.

The ACLU has been warring with companies for firing employees for things they post online, but now in an effort to preempt the firing - they want unrestricted access to your online life! 

Those pictures of your cousin Bobby's wedding, you know the ones where you were stumbling around drunk? Those are reasons not to hire you! 

I think these companies want to intimidate people into not going online! Think about it, if the company you are applying to has dubious business practices, the last thing they want is for you to know about it! So, the best way is to make sure you avoid any source of information that would bring those practices into the light.

But isn't this like a form of coercion? After all, even if you voluntarily give a prospective employer access to your social networks, is it really voluntarily if you actually need the job? Where does freedom of speech fit in where the internet is concerned? According to the US Supreme Court, it's a gray area and isn't always entitled to the same protections as some speech and symbols are.

The last time in history that I can remember a group of people asking to invade every aspect of a persons life was the Nazi invasion of Europe. And anyone that disagreed with them were thrown into concentration camps and eliminated.

Sure that is an extreme example, but is it really so far fetched? How far removed are we from that? It's like they are policing everything you do, as if we live in China. Where did this trend come from anyway? Did someone refuse to friend their boss, and the guy decided if he can't see your Facebook page then, you couldn't work there?

Since the rise of social network sites, prospective employers have checked out the MySpace and Facebook sites of potential employees, but before you could make them private. With this new measure, there really is no point in privacy, because like that old lady who is constantly staring at you from her window - they need know every single aspect of your life!

You might as well invite them into your bedroom on your honeymoon, because it's the same thing. 

I say if any future employer asks to see your Facebook password, you should immediately ask for their house keys. If they want to snoop online for your dirty laundry, you should be allowed to snoop through the hampers for theirs.