It's funny how you can look at someone your whole life and then in one moment everything changes. You go from being the best of friends to something much more. I always believed that when that happens, it has the best chance at forever. Because who doesn't want to be with their best friend.
After all, it's what I want.
The problem is that we often let our experiences with other people ruin any potential experiences we may have in the future. I've done it. You've done it. Everyone has.
So, how do you leave the ghosts where they belong...in the grave.
1st, you have to care enough about the person you are with to know they won't hurt you. If they would hurt, they wouldn't most likely have been your friend to begin with. Because the first and most important rule of love is sacrifice. Giving up your own wants, fears and desires to make someone else happy. We can do it for our children easy enough, but when it comes to our mates, we draw lines in the sand.
2nd, you have to be willing to take a chance. The fact is once you cross that line, there is no going back. It's naive to think you can go from friends to lovers to back to friends again. I wish it were possible, but I realize it really isn't. Which makes it sadder if the 1st part isn't there. Because then you have not only lost a lover, but a dear friend.
3rd, you can't over react. This one is a little tougher. Because you want to see the bad in everyone, because that is easier. After all, if she does something that your ex did then she must be planning to hurt you. But that isn't true necessarily. Each person is an individual. And each must be judged to their own merit. Sure you can be hesitant but again, if they are your friend first then you already know they won't hurt you.
4th, pride has to go. We are sometimes stupidly stubborn and hold onto grudges that have no place in the real world. We build walls to keep us safe. These defense mechanisms both help and hinder you. Sure keep them up with strangers, but you can't treat someone you have been friends with that way. Especially if they have been friends with you for a long time.
I struggle with each of these. I have abandonment issues. And I can't seem to make a relationship last longer than a mentos. So maybe, I don't deserve anything more than what I have been given.
But settling for less than the best I could have, has never been my style. My best male friend just lost his best female friend of 23 years because of this situation. Because she got scared and ran and left him standing in the ashes.
I'm praying that this time will be different. That for once, I won't be left out in the cold.
After all, it's what I want.
The problem is that we often let our experiences with other people ruin any potential experiences we may have in the future. I've done it. You've done it. Everyone has.
So, how do you leave the ghosts where they belong...in the grave.
1st, you have to care enough about the person you are with to know they won't hurt you. If they would hurt, they wouldn't most likely have been your friend to begin with. Because the first and most important rule of love is sacrifice. Giving up your own wants, fears and desires to make someone else happy. We can do it for our children easy enough, but when it comes to our mates, we draw lines in the sand.
2nd, you have to be willing to take a chance. The fact is once you cross that line, there is no going back. It's naive to think you can go from friends to lovers to back to friends again. I wish it were possible, but I realize it really isn't. Which makes it sadder if the 1st part isn't there. Because then you have not only lost a lover, but a dear friend.
3rd, you can't over react. This one is a little tougher. Because you want to see the bad in everyone, because that is easier. After all, if she does something that your ex did then she must be planning to hurt you. But that isn't true necessarily. Each person is an individual. And each must be judged to their own merit. Sure you can be hesitant but again, if they are your friend first then you already know they won't hurt you.
4th, pride has to go. We are sometimes stupidly stubborn and hold onto grudges that have no place in the real world. We build walls to keep us safe. These defense mechanisms both help and hinder you. Sure keep them up with strangers, but you can't treat someone you have been friends with that way. Especially if they have been friends with you for a long time.
I struggle with each of these. I have abandonment issues. And I can't seem to make a relationship last longer than a mentos. So maybe, I don't deserve anything more than what I have been given.
But settling for less than the best I could have, has never been my style. My best male friend just lost his best female friend of 23 years because of this situation. Because she got scared and ran and left him standing in the ashes.
I'm praying that this time will be different. That for once, I won't be left out in the cold.
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