Oh I Am So Sorry I Snaked Your Camera Earlier

I've heard of shoving sausages and socks in your pants to make your junk look bigger, but Eric Fiegel of Phoenix, Arizona has shown that some people weren't thinking big enough. Eric entered an Arizona pet store and proceeded to take several albino boa constrictors and shove them down his pants. I guess that he thought women would be impressed with how his penis writhed and wriggled without any obvious stimulation. Fiegel was later arrested because he didn't bother to pay for the snakes before he left the pet store and he waved at the camera as he shoved the boas in his underwear. He then went to another pet store and sold some of the stolen snakes for $175 and a large reptile tank.

A newlywed couple is  behind bars after being caught on tape shoplifting the food they provided at their reception. Arthur Philips III, aged 32, and Brittany Lurch, aged 22, were seen on video filling up a shopping cart and exiting the store without paying. I can't really blame them as it costs almost as much to get married these days as it does to get divorced. I mean why pay caterers when you can just pilfer everyones dinner?

In other news to make your skin crawl, a football player from Gravette, Arkansas, found a large snake in his helmet...while he was playing football. Darrick Strzelecki claims he "felt something odd in his helmet while playing." After half time, he sta down and removed his helmet and found the rather large king snake. Witnesses say that the had never watched a football player move like a cheerleader nor sound like one before this happened. The coaches thought his increased speed may have been drug related until the met the slithery tag along. Rules do not forbid a player from taking part in a sporting event while keeping reptiles in their helmets.

In news that doesn't involve snakes or cameras, a woman has gained 210 pounds in the last five years to bring her total weight to 490 lbs...and what was the cause of this massive weight gain? Junk food gives her orgasms...I don't really have a joke for this, just thought it was interesting. I mean it would make life simpler if I could have orgasms without women or porn being involved, so I say rock on Gabi Jones of Colorado.