Beating a Dead Rodent

Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands if you ever want justice. Which is why I fully support a mystery woman in Burlington, Vermont. This woman was fed up with all of the animal carcasses littering the road near her home (and by all I mean one singular raccoon) and she decided to do something about it. Not something rational - like call authorities and give them the chance to do something about it - because that would be too effective. No, she had a plan.
So this mystery woman, whom I will call Tatyana, did the only sane thing she could think of. She disposed of the carcass - by slamming it violently against the doors of City Hall. Nothing says you are upset with your town's politics like beating a dead, possibly rabid rodent against the city's main political center. Video surveillance captured several minutes as Tatyana clutched the dead animal by the tail and swung wildly at the doors of the building, before leaving the body laying on the steps. I know that anytime I have been disgusted and angry at carcasses lining my street, my first impulse is to use them as bat. Actually, it sort of creeps me out that she held the damn thing to start with. Which leads me to believe that the witness speculations as to her motives are dead wrong! She wasn't angry about the body being left on the street...no she was the victim Raccoon gang violence and she was using the carcass against City Hall as a symbol to demonstrate how the world had failed to keep her safe!
Cases of rampant raccoon attacks abound. Most victims, however, rarely report these crimes and live shamefully with the knowledge of what happened. They know if they talk about it, people will accuse them of asking for it. They will say things like "if you had only not dressed so provocatively" and "its just their nature, raccoons will be be raccoons."
 Just last this past September, a woman and her poodle were brutally assaulted by two raccoons in Sacramento,  California. She was out walking in a "woodsy" part of town and the raccoons viciously attacked and defiled the poor girl and her precious pet. This girl was the third such victim that week!
And back in 2009 in Lakeland, Florida, a 74 year old woman (at the time) was mauled and broken by a pack of raccoons! Granny had noticed them just hanging out by her property and like many old people she told them "get off my yard!" Well, these raccoons didn't like it much and they left her bleeding on the front yard. Polk County Sheriff's officers said "she was filleted."

All this evidence leads me to believe that the raccoons are really just an initial salvo for an imminent bear attack. Think about it. Even the Care Bears had a weird cousin that was a Raccoon. That's because the bears use them as a distraction so that we don't see the real threat coming! While we worry about raccoons and the horrible things they can do to us - like give us rabies - bears are out plotting our demise!
So I applaud you crazy lady of Burlington! Because only you know that the real threat is out there and ready to beat our doors down with bodies of their dead! I know that your creepy use of roadkill was really just your version of Paul Reveres famous ride!

Bainbridge, Georgia On My Mind

A lot of people keep asking me: Sam, why did you move back to Georgia? The answer is quite simple. Because a lot of funny and entertaining things seem to happen in this part of the country!

But on Tuesday, October 18th 2011, Nathan Fluitt found out the hard way that my entertain comes at a cost - namely his abject humiliation and suffering!

Nathan was like any other typical 39 year old. He liked guns. He liked hanging out. So naturally it was no surprise when he decided to hang out at a well known drug house in Bainbridge, Georgia, with his shotgun. Sure, he may have allegedly told the 6 or 7 men there to empty their pockets of all cash and drugs and pass it to him while aiming the gun at each of them, but it was all in good fun! The 6 or 7 men didn't seem to think so though. 

Maybe it was the fact that Nathan kicked the front door in at midnight while brandishing a shotgun! Maybe, he didn't enunciate properly when he told everyone to get on the floor! Or maybe they just didn't like him but whatever the reason, those 6 or 7 men proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of poor Nathan.

The story goes that after he burst in and made his demands, everyone looked at him like he was stupid before the guy standing right beside the door took away Nathan's shotgun.

I imagine that happened like this:

*Door burst open*

*Nathan*: "Give me your cash, drugs, porn, girlfriends phone numbers, shrimp scampi recipes"

*Guy at the door interrupts*: "Hey rookie. You forgot to take the safety off."

*Nathan looks at gun*: "What I didn't know I had left it on, thanks man!"

*Guy as he takes shotgun and punches Nathan in the face!*: "Oh your welcome!" 

Regardless of how it actually started though, witnesses all agree on what happened next. The 6 or 7 guys started beating poor Nathan inside the house, then out on the porch, then out in the yard, and finally out into the street! You have to admit that this was probably more fun than playing Monopoly!

Nathan's supposed accomplice, Antonio Jones, tried to come to his rescue in the alleged getaway car, but had to flee on foot! How you show up driving a car, never actually get out of the car, but your only option of fleeing becomes running away on foot, I will never know! 

Police arrived and arrested Nathan and then tracked down and arrested Antonio - who's only actual proven crime was leaving his car parked and running in the middle of the street as he ran away!

The only thing that would have made this better is if one of the guys filmed it and uploaded it to YouTube! This crime has to go down in history as one of the dumbest acts in the history of crime. Who randomly assaults a drug house in the middle of the night? Even SWAT knows to go after the sun has come up! That's like going to a Harry Potter Premier and expecting to be the only one there! 

Now that this "little whipping boy done wrong", I wonder if he will remain "Unforgiven" too?