Happy Birthday Old Man

Someone once told me that you are only as old as you feel...or maybe that you are only as old as what you are feeling? Either way, that is kind of creepy. I mean she's barely 18 and you're how old? Maybe you should start pursuing women your own age - especially since today, you are one year older...just saying.

Besides the best way to deal with a birthday is to use alcohol. I mean, what better way to forget that you are one step closer to the grave than by getting smashed - so that you feel one step closer to the grave. Not only that but alcohol can create a paradox if you drink enough of it! That's because if you over indulge you can understand what it's like to be both an infant and to be old - because you've probably pissed yourself!

Just don't go out buying fancy sport's cars or other toys you don't need - because as old as you are isn't it really too late now anyway? Let's face it, before you can actually enjoy it, your kids will be inheriting it!

I'd be willing to bet that they already have your nursing home picked out! They are like wait till dad starts pissing himself, because he is going to Shady Sands.

Speaking of getting old, be sure to return your AARP form so that you can get your discounts at Shoney's. But don't worry, you aren't over the hill just yet, I am sure you have plenty of good years left. They just need to be experienced slower, you wouldn't want to throw your back out again right? And 6:30 isn't too early for bedtime, it's normal at your age! 

Hopefully this years birthday will be better than last years. That was a disaster right? But at least she will always remember you though! I mean, how often does a girl you've only dated twice walk into her bathroom to find a guy butt-ass naked and vomiting into her purse, because he mistook it for the toilet? From the stories her friends told, I have to ask what the hell did you have that night because it was everywhere and it stained the walls!

So basically what I am saying is have a Happy Birthday...and try not to seduce my dog this year. Scruffy still isn't over the scare. I know you thought she was just a really ugly chick...but it was my dog. My really, small and in no resembles a person, dog.

Nice Guys Rarely Finish At All

Warning: Today's rant is a vent session, run now before it is too late!
Today's particular rant is one that hits close to home. It may not be quite as humorous as many of you are used to, but a serious topic every once in a while is allowed. It was inspired after hearing horror stories from some female friends about their current relationships and from several other female friends about their lack of relationships.
Readers, I can't tell you how many times a woman has come to me to gripe about her boyfriend/husband/lover. Usually these gripes stem around him being a complete asshole. Whether he's abusive, a cheater, or forces her to do everything, you can bet I will hear about it and typically offer advice. But advice in all of these cases is usually pointless. Because either: your gripe is petty, or because even if he beats you and sleeps with your best friend twice a week you won't leave him.
Which is why I get irked every time I hear someone say "there are no good men left." Well, if you actually looked you would probably find one or two. The thing is most women aren't attracted to nice guys. Maybe it's the lack of danger and excitement. Maybe it's because nice is equated to weakness and therefore if he is a man he can't be weak so therefore he can't be nice, but whatever the root cause, a lot of really good guys end up alone and some really great girls end up broken.
So I have compiled a list of gripes that have merit and if you really care about your own well being, perhaps you should run. And if he has any of these traits, chances are he should be avoided.

1. Extremely good looking. This is the guy with the six pack abs and nice tan, perfect hair and winning smile. Like that shirtless dude on the gay vampire movies. This guy is going to be an asshole because he knows he can pretty much have any woman he wants. He will most likely never be faithful and will never be affectionate or even give a damn about what you did that day. The fact is he will also want women as pretty as he is and he will tend to be shallow and obsessive. He will be so in love with himself that there will never be room in his heart for you. Look at Brad Pitt for an example. Had a great loving wife at home, then he took out the trash and moved in with it. I hear they have kids now....
2. Rich. This guy can buy love and he knows it. Which leads to an interesting turn of events. He will never trust you. In his mind the only reason you are with him is for the money. He will cheat because he thinks you are cheating. He will accuse you of being unfaithful and talk about how quickly he can have you replaced by someone even prettier. This guy could look like Mr Bean and women would throw themselves at him. He doesn't need anything but a Discover Black card and he is Don Juan. As far as he is concerned you are just property.
3. Famous. How many famous people are faithful? How many aren't abusive alcoholics or addicted to pain pills? If you like this guy and want a relationship with him...you are an idiot.
4. Convicted of Violent Felonies. This guy has wife beater tattooed on his back...literally. And you think you can tame him? If a guy hits a woman one time, he will do it again - just a matter of time! Oh, there are circumstances that led up to him beating your ass, I'm sure! Like the mail was late or Kentucky Fried Chicken ran out of honey butter! But these cover-up excuses scream that you hate yourself.
5. The bad boy. You will never change him, not until his teeth fall out and he loses his hair. This guy will need to be paralyzed in order to not be a complete jackass and at that point you wouldn't want him anymore.

Now are there exceptions to the rules? Absolutely but those guys are either married or gay.

So ladies, want to know where to find one of those nice guys you complain you never can find? He's that guy you call that consoles you, makes you feel better about yourself, listens to your problems, and is secretly in love with you...you know that guy you would never date in a million years.

This concludes my rant...we now return to our regularly scheduled programs.