Cum On...My Food Is Getting Cold

Folks...I'm calling bullshit. A new cook book written by Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer is available for pre-order on Amazon and Lulu and it contains recipes that can only make you gag. The book is titled "Natural Harvest -  A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes," or as I would rename it "Cooking With Cum."
Fotie claims, "Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic." I think Fotie is trying to find ways to convince his partner to swallow.
It's his way of saying, "No hunny, its good for you!" Its like those guys that used to claim that semen made a good moisturizer - only they didn't write a book about it!
This has to be a joke, right? Some freaky guys way to make us laugh at something too absurd to be true, right?
According to Fotie, "No, I'm not joking and no, I'm not some sort of whacky freak. I'm just passionate about everything I do."
I think this goes beyond passionate and into restraining order territory! Does this guy work at a restaurant anywhere? And if so, where - so I can avoid it!
The worst part (okay so it's not actually the worst part, but bare with me here okay?) is that if you look at some of the recipes, all he does is just add semen in place of salt...so not only is he creepy, but he has no imagination.

For example:

"ALMOST WHITE RUSSIAN
2 oz Vodka
1 oz Coffee liqueur
1/2 oz semen
cream or milk
ice cubes
Pour vodka, semen and coffee liqueur over ice cubes and top up the glass with milk or cream"

All of his recipes work like that! And he's charging $25 for this! I wonder if his Mac & Cheese recipe reads "Make exactly as it says on the box, then add 1/2 oz of semen."
Can you picture this guy prepping his ingredients? Does he keep a subscription of Hustler next to the Nutmeg?
Someone walks in, sees what he is doing, freaks out, but the wait staff are all like, "No, you don't understand, the food tastes better this way."
Where in the hell did he even find a publisher for this? Did he call up Paula Dean and say, "I have the newest recipes that will be on everyone's lips"?
I am thoroughly disgusted now...I think I will make breakfast...

I Think This Is Scarier Than Dying

October is the month of horrors, so in celebration of this concept I turn my attention to some of the most disturbing news I have seen thus far.
First up when Omaima Nelson told her husband William that he looked quite tasty, he probably thought she was talking about a kinky new sex game. Omaima is up for parole for the 1991 murder and consumption of her former spouse. Authorities discovered a grisly scene upon her arrest. Deep fried fingers, BBQ man ribs and boiled eye balls were on the menu and this disturbing meal apparently answered another question: she does indeed swallow!
This real life Hannibal Lector is currently serving 25 years to life and hopes to be released so she can move a head with her life. She claims that by finding Jesus she knows that her dead and long eaten husband has been restored in Heaven - even if she dismembered him on earth.
My home state made the news recently. On September 20, Macon fire fighters decided to pull a little prank on the new guys. In a video that went viral, a masked man enters the station brandishing a weapon. The masked gunman then grabs another fireman and drags him off screen and a shot is heard which made the rookies immediately shit themselves.
I applaud the fireman for what the liberal media is calling an "unnecessary stunt that endangered the lives of everyone in the firehouse." Of course it was necessary, how else could these 1st aide responders be prepared to deal with all the wild and crazy gun toting psychos that hang out at fires? I just think the video could have been made better if one of the rookies had tried to wrestle the loaded weapon away from his masked co-worker! Getting shot in the line of duty is expected when you drive vehicles with 24 inch rims and loud stereo systems! After all, why do you think they dress in yellow? You know, one of the official colors of hunter safety? I say give these guys that did the video a medal and as for the rookies that didn't move to eliminate the threat by shanking the gunman with a hand crafted shiv? They should be reprimanded and possibly fired. The video is found here.
If you are a man in France this may be the scariest story I talk about all day...A judge in the Southern town of Nice has recently ordered a man to pay his wife 10,000 euros as part of a divorce settlement - for failing to satisfy her sexually! In the country that proclaims itself to be comprised of the world's best lovers, it is an offense punishable by fines to be anything less! So guys mark the calendar because as of September 9th 2011 (at least in France) not making the earth move can be expensive!
Trusting your co-workers is scary enough when they aren't actually out to get you, but beware if they are! California judge Walter Schwarm ordered Michael Lallana of Fullerton to pay his co-workers $27,000 for damages on September 5th. And what did he damage? Their sexuality! See, Mike thought it would be great to add his semen to bottles of water and then share those with all his fellow workers. Maybe he thought adding his seed to water would help it grow!
Lastly, in August, a woman went to the home of a prospective employer in Arizona only to find a pair of dead bodies laying next to the front door. It turns out this was her potential employers. Gives new meaning to avoiding a dead end job, doesn't it?