My Store May Not Be Bigger Than Your Store, But At Least I Know How To Use It

Owning a business. Is there anything more American? It's like Apple Pie, baseball and homemade amateur porn. Ok, so the more American thing would be to move into an area and just steal everyone else's business and place a flag of Capitalism in the center of it all. We can claim we were educating the savages.
But how many people really know what is involved in owning a business? I mean, unlike real problems, you can't take these out back and teach them some manners. Well, unless your the Mafia, but then you followed the more American version of acquiring a business anyway.
If you have employees they may want basic features like being paid. I think they should feel lucky that I hired them to begin with. And why do you need health insurance? I think the better business plan is not to get sick and suck it up!
Bribing people to get your business started the right way is harder these days too. More people want their hands in that cookie jar. I think they should all wear signs that say "Bribe Me" to make them easier to identify and avoid things like jail sentences.
This way I could get the permits I need today and not tomorrow.
Then, once you are open, you have to maintain good customer relations, which I am good at! But alot of people don't deserve. I wish we could use tasers on the ones that annoy me.
Which brings me another business idea! Taze Me! The premise would work like this, you pay me to use a Taser on you. This wouldn't appeal to everyone but some people like whips and chains!
When did leg breaking go out of style? Now they call it extortion but I think it is a solid business venture. I mean, it shows outright what will happen, if your "insurance" isn't paid up.
In the movies, every business has secret passageways to escape in case of alien invasion, mob attacks, clones or ex wives. I wonder if my land lord will mind me making a big hole into the building next door for just such an eventuality!
I think that I should be paid to just stare at buildings and businesses. That could be my business! I could be an official watcher! Now if only I can market it....

You, My Dear, Have Been Trumped

Donald Trump. The name is synonymous with bankruptcy and bad hair pieces and soon (if he has his way) the Presidency of these United States.
After all, if he can't fix the country he would just fire us all and pull out his financial funding.
Look what he has done for mens hair styles...frankly he should have fired whoever told him that looks good.
But in America, if you are too wealthy for your own good, you can run for the White House. If you are poor, you can make a run at it too, but you will likely get tazed.
Donald Trump is the king of over promising and under delivering,  just ask Ivana. But that's why I like him for the role!
Look, unlike all the other politicians out there, we knew that Donald is only in it for himself! There is no pretense of caring about the average American, he can't even spell "average."
And he is approaching this potential race for the oval office as if it were a board room prepping for a hostile take over! 1st rule, belittle your opponent and he is doing just that!
Recently on the Today Show, The hairpiece claimed Obama was born not in Hawaii but in Kenya.
I admire your spunk Donald, but this old news. Maybe if you had claimed he was born on Mars and teleported to Earth in the 50s by a kindly Professor or that his father had rocketed him to Kansas as the sole surviving son of a great civilization, I would be more interested.
Apparently, host Meredith Viera felt the same as she looked half asleep during the interview. She didn't even bother refuting or questioning it because it wasn't sensational enough.
Remember, its not slander if you say "Well I'm not saying the President is an illegal alien usurping the White House, but ... if he was I won't be surprised."
It's not what you say but how say it. If you keep it to allegedlies, you can say what ever you wish. Like if I were to say "It's possible that Donald Trump has smoked Marijuana." I'm not accusing him of smoking Marijuana, I am just pointing out the fact it is possible.
So now America, go forth and vote for the Donald! After all, its possible he can't f*** it up more than anyone else already has.

Don't Ask Me, But I Will Tell You That I Want Be Strip Searched By A Hot Lesbian

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
I say Don't Do It. For those that don't know, this is the policy which was repealed in 2010 but remains in effect until the people that repealed say its ok to be repealed which prevents openly gay, lesbian and bi-curious men and women from serving in the military. And I am totally OK with it. After all the word gay means happy and if you have ever met a Marine, you know that isn't possible.
I mean why should members of the gay and lesbian community have the right to volunteer to die for us for less than minimum wage in places I wouldn't use for a toilet? The nerve.
After all, if they openly served, the uniforms may get better color coordinated. Or they may start a television show called "Queer Eye For The Army Guy". And we can't have that. I know that all of the people that believe like I do, would rather be savagely murdered than be protected by an openly gay or lesbian person. That's how dedicated to the belief that only heterosexuals are capable of defending us.
Then I thought it over and I don't think that this should be limited to just the military. I think it should be part of all emergency response jobs: law enforcement, fire-fighters, EMT's, and medical personnel. After all, if you are having a heart attack and possibly dying, you don't want to be saved by a gay or lesbian.
Or if your house is burning down, heaven forbid the thought of a gay fireman rescuing you and your family and trying to save your possessions. No, on principle alone, we should let it burn to the ground. After all, if they aren't straight they may make your water crooked.
As for law enforcement, well gay people run funny and that would embarrass the force way too much to allow them to be in. After all, when you are chasing a guy with his pants around his ankles, you can't be running fabulously.
If only we had more role models for straight people. Like that guy who used to play Doogie Howser! He is a shining example of how a straight person should live! Those roles he plays in How I Met Your Mother and Harold and Kumar, must be indicative of his real life! Or news anchor Anderson Cooper, look how refined he is, you know he has to be straight! Or even Congressman Barney Frank. He is the epitome of heterosexuality. For the ladies how about role models like Jodie Foster, man she was hot back in Silence of the Lambs. Or Tila Tequila! After all she is a porn star and if that doesn't prove how straight she is, I don't know what will!
So, America, go out there and keep up the nonsensical madness towards the gay and lesbian community. After all, it does make good sense! I mean, we can't have military bases that provide  better tasting meals, barracks that have color coordinated carpets and drapes, neatly pressed and impeccable hygiene for our soldiers. We can't allow them to die for us, because then who would cut our hair or do our make overs!
No, we can't allow that, because that would just be too queer.

Rain Rain Go Away So I Can Get Out From Under My Bed

I hate storms. Readers, there is nothing on this planet that will make me wet myself faster than lightening except maybe bears. And if they are lightening bears I may have a heart attack.
A major storm just came through and devastated my tiny home town. So if you're a local and haven't heard yet, that isn't a wood burning stove you smell...you're house is on fire.
I was awoken to the sound of a banshee singing at my window while a dozen bears beat against my walls. The ordeal left me without power and without bullets as I fired 500 rounds of ammunition towards the bears only I could see...a direction which also happened to be my neighbors house.
After making my way to a closet where I hid for seven hours weeping like a little girl, the storm finally ended.
So, I cleaned myself upand ventured out into the world...and was saddened to see that so many buildings had burned to the ground.
Lightening and tornadoes had ripped through my little hamlet and destroyed several businesses and left many without power. Luckily (as of this writing) no one was hurt.
I caught up with a local reporter and chatted her up. Once I finished flirting, I inquired into the extent of the damage.
And it was pretty bad.
And that's why I say, if there is anything worse than bears its bears hurling lightening bolts from the sky to strike out against those that would harm or hoard or even look at a defenseless teddy.

Take Me Out To The Ball Game And Make Sure We Bring Cheese For The Whine

Baseball. You gotta love it. After all it is Americas Pastime. Besides without baseball on TV, I would never get any sleep.
Up until the strikes in the 90's, I was a huge fan. But then I saw what kind of whiners these guys were. I watched a guy catch  a ball wrong in his glove and hurt his hand...shake it off right? Not this guy, he sat out the rest of the month with a sprained thumb. For the money these guys make, you could chuck balls at me at 90 mph and I would never complain.
But then In 2000, I moved to lovely Sarasota. I decided once again, I would try and learn to love baseball. So I watched the local team, The Tampa Bay Devil Rays (name has changed now that they have gotten better) play. I watched the opposing teams batter hit a pop fly into left field, should be an easy out or at most a run to 1st. The left fielder is there and he's ready. His hand is out stretched. The ball is in his direction. He has determination stamped on his face. He plants his feet and thrusts his arm in the air....and the ball lands 3 feet to his left. To add insult to injury, he then stares at his glove as if it betrayed him. He just keeps turning his gaze from the glove to the ball...which is still on the ground beside him. Finally, another player runs up beside him, grabs the ball and keeps the batter stuck on third base.
Well, it seems baseball is once again in the news and this time it is the NY Mets complaining. About Family Guy.
See, a season or two ago, the popular cartoon ran a spoof where Stewie compares a current disappointment to being a Mets fan. This has both the team and the fans in an uproar. I can see why they are upset. If I sucked so badly, I wouldn't want  anyone to talk about it either.
I wasn't even aware they actually still played anyway. I thought they walked on the field, then waved at the crowd, then threw down their gear and left.
Maybe someone should offer them lessons. There is a kid in little league this year that is awesome. When did playing sports become big business? And when did the athletes become such pussies?
Maybe, instead of worrying about a cartoon, they should focus on actually winning a game.
Of course, look at it this way. If this bothers them so much, I would make sure that local stations played it in the towns they visit for away games. Get a sorta psychological edge.
If the Mets go on to play well this year, I must believe it was because of Seth MacFarlane's creation. And if it works then think of the other uses. Family Guy: Dog Training. Family Guy: Don't Gamble Away The Rent You Drunk SOB. Family Guy: I'm Leaving You For Your Sister Unless You Get A Job.
So FOX Network, pay attention...you may have a gold mine here.

Candles Even Small Ones Will Push Back The Darkness

In honor of National Poetry Month, I have decided that todays blog would be a poem. This is the opening to my novel Shining In The Dark. It is based on my life and the people that were there can vouch to the events, even if I have changed all the names. What some don't know is that I once chased a bottle of sleeping pills with a bottle of wine. And I woke up. The following poem was my suicide letter. It's titled "The Diminishing Candle".

You tell me I should glow
     Like lamplight in the park
And remain a guide to the lost
     By Shining In The Dark

But I have come to realize
     Joy will never come my way
And my suffering will continue to grow
     With the passing of each day

For I found someone to love
     And gave her all I am
But now she has forsaken me
     Now I find I'm damned

So don't tell me I should glow
     My eyes have lost their spark
And until the day my soul returns
     I won't be shining in the dark

New Products And Services To Amaze Your Friends With

Since nothing is going on today, I decided to share some random updates across the worldwide web.
Kodak has announced on its website that they have released a new app that will remove your ex's from your old pictures. Called Relationshiffft, the program accurately scans the person you no longer want to share space with and deletes them from your memories. It then scans the the area and replaces your deleted ex with a beautifully rendered and natural looking background. This is probably one of the apps I am most excited about as I usually just replace my ex's with Wonder Woman. For more info check out http://tinyurl.com/kodak001 .
SouthEast Airlines has announced a new policy going into effect in May. They will charge airfare based soley on a persons weight. Your weight will take you 1000 miles. Which means I can fly from New York City to Los Angeles for a mere $517.02.
Google has announced two new things today. The first is a new feature added to their popular gmail application. You can sign up for Gmail Motion, which is in the BETA stages. This program uses your webcam to capture your motions and translate them into words. This app is especially useful for those people that talk with their hands. Find out more at http://tinyurl.com/googlebetaapps .
The second announcement is a job posting. If you are willing to move to the lovely city of Mountain View California, you can join the google family. They are looking for a few more autocompleters to join their stable of current autocompleters. Apparently, the amount of web traffic has increased so much they cannot keep up and need a few more employees. Apply at http://tinyurl.com/googlejobs001 .
West Jet has annoounced that they found a way to make their flights safer: adding helium to them. They claim that it will also make the plane lighter and use less fuel. Not only will this save the passengers money, it will allow them to have many comical conversations. Find out more on http://tinyurl.com/westjetnews .
Blackberry phones are getting even more compact and portable. RIM announced the new screenless Blackberry. It's just a qwerty keyboard and speakers and a microphone. It's not like you look at your screen when texting and driving anyways! The new handset confirms button presses by playing tones in morse code. Check it out at http://tinyurl.com/screenlessblackberry .
Well, I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did...hopefully tomorrow is a better news day.
Oh well, I such a fool for new products that this was enjoyable.