Tell Me The Tale You Would Like To Hear

I have always wanted to live a fairy tale. And while I am usually stuck in the role of beast and awaiting a beauty that can see past the monster, Jessie Dobinson prefers to live out the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
Taking a cue from the classic tale, Jessie breaks into peoples homes to try their food and then he finds the most comfortable bed and takes a nap. Afterwards, he steals the best valuables and leaves to find his next victim.
Aside from the larceny and the fact he also robbed someone at knifepoint and committed assault on a man dressed up in a bear costume, I can find no fault in Jessie. After all, he's living his dream. And who am I to deny him his happily ever after.
At a mere 19 years of age, young Jessie has evaded police in London for over a week now. His short blonde hair may not be as long as his fairy tale inspired icon, but it shines just as bright.
Jessie is wanted for breaking into the same house twice in less than a week. Both times he ate the food of the home owner and both times he took a nap in the house.
Then he returned to the same home and shot the home owner in the chest with a bb gun.
I think he thought the home owner was a bear. I can't blame him as I hate bears as well.
But this brings up an interesting concept. Living in fairy tales.
I think there should be a bed and breakfast concept that has you actual experience all the ups and downs of specific fairy tales. Maybe you could rappel down Rapunzel's tower. Or take a carriage ride in a giant pumpkin. A submarine voyage through an underwater kingdom. Ball room dancing. Elegant clothing. Maybe even some animatronic animals like at Disney to guide you through your journey.
Maybe three wishes and a magic carpet ride is your fantasy...I know what I would wish for!
Or maybe to go from zero to hero for a weekend. Whatever your desire, this place could make it real. The entire staff could be catered to your particular story. The food could be specific to your tale as could the attire. It would be like a cool version of a renaissance fair. (Although I am not into sword play.)
Happy endings probably cost extra though. Unless your fantasy is Mulan. Then it is appropriate.
Anyone wanting to start this bed and breakfast has my permission, you only need to set me up in   one of the dungeons...because after all...everyone knows beauty never really chooses a beast.

This Magic Carpet Ride Is Closed For Repairs

As a result of a relationship ending, I did what I always do. I escaped the situation so it doesn't have to be real. I know it doesn't give you closure or solve anything but I figure if your problem isn't staring you in the face, then it doesn't exist.
So  I decided to go to the only place that could make a sad person happy. I went to the happiest place on earth. Happy like sugar is sweet. If this place were sugar it would be diabetic coma sweet.
I went to the Magic Kingdom. I've always been a kid at heart and visiting places like this tend to take my mind off my problems. I hadn't really been to Disney World before. I say hadn't really because I did go when I was 4 but if you cant remember it, then it didn't happen. Like that time in Cozumel with those hot young triplets.
Now I must admit I was nervous about visiting this place and putting my negative emotions onto such a happy universe and ruining it for me. But I must admit that the Magic Kingdom is really magical.
From the moment we got off the monorail and I saw an Asian lady carrying a sheep. I knew today would be a fun one.
The fact that she was also dressed like someone in the movie Grease only intensified my enjoyment.
Following Little Bo Peep, we made our through the park. I listened as a 14 year old girl told her friends she wanted to get knocked up so people would pay attention to her.
I marvelled at the architecture and designs I saw. Like that door to the Mens room in that one restaurant that looked like a penis.
I watched dancers at work that didn't work for tips.
I stood in hour long lines for 30 seconds worth ride time.
But most importantly I laughed. Which I didn't think I would be able to do.
But I don't think I can credit Disney for all of my uplifting. The real heroes were the two people that chose to accompany me.
One is a dear friend that is experiencing something very similar to what I just did.
The other was her one year old son.
Thank you Valerie for just being a good friend. I hope u two enjoyed the day as much as I did.
I needed a break from my reality and I needed to laugh.
And laugh I did. Because Jake was fascinated by everything. Except the Carnival of Progress...but in his defense that ride sucked.
We OoOoO and awed over street performers and cgi.
We pointed at puppies. Oh and dogs too. We napped in a haunted mansion and slept through pirate infested waters. We cooed over honey covered walls and a trip into the 100 acre wood. We my have even run over a gopher in our cart.
We laughed and clapped during a comedy routine and a musical.
We cursed that one of us wasn't tall enough to ride with Stitch.
And while Jake and I did all this, I'm sure Valerie must have had a good time too. At the end of the day we were all tired and headed back to Sarasota to say GoodBye.
Now I am getting ready to return to reality. A 6 hour drive back to my family and my business. Hopefully the thoughts of why I ran to start with stay away for a few days anyway. It would be too much to ask that they stay away forever...

I Would Pick Up The Check But I Am Broke

A battle of epic proportions is brewing and no I am not referring to Scotty's victory over Lauren.
The state of Michigan is beginning legislation to attack the poor.
See, apparently the state of Michigan doesn't like the idea of allowing every eligible person to collect food stamps. They have chosen one victim in particular as a martyr. Senator John Moolenaar has made it his crusade to keep Mr Leroy Fick from receiving government assistance.
When asked why he was denying Mr Fick, Senator Moolenaar responded "This is unacceptable".
Feeling a need to understand why a US Senator would want to harass a 59 year old man, I began to investigate the circumstances surrounding this peculiar case.
Leroy Fick is a poor man. Living in a a newly purchased home and driving a 2008 Audi, Leroy struggles to survive on his less than $5,000 a year earnings. Sure the Audi is a convertible, but you have to have some simple pleasures in life, right?
See, all of Leroys problems started when he played Make Me Rich, a lottery game. A game that Mr Fick won. A game that gave him $2 million.
I know what you're saying, if he won $2 million why does he need government assistence? Because Leroy took a lump sum payment which only gave him $850,000. How can the state of Michigan expect anyone that close to retirement to be able to survive on that small amount of money?
According to Federal guidelines, Mr Fick is eligible for food stamps. See, lottery wins don't count as income. Because they can't take assets into consideration, the state can't deny Mr Fick what is rightfully his.
The Senator is working to change this law and ensure that people like Mr Fick can no longer receive help from government programs. I think this is a travesty. Sure, it costs the taxpayers millions. But I would be hard pressed to make it on such a paltry sum.
So keep up your good fight Mr Fick. I salute you!

We Have Stirred Up Quite The Storm By Not Letting Anyone Know Our Kids Gender

Kathy Witterick and David Stocker have recently had a new baby boy/girl. He/she is a very healthy boy/girl. They are accepting clothing that is appropriate for a boy/girl as well as gifts to mark this exciting occassion.
See readers, apparently Kathy and Davie boy don't like the idea of their son/daughter growing up knowing whether or not he/she is a boy or a girl. Instead of confusing the child in its youth by assigning stereo-typical gender roles, they would rather they child grow into a confused adult ostracized by society that plots to kill them. Anyone watch the movie Psycho?
Pulling the media stunt of the year, these two "role model" parents are defying conventions and not even telling their parents the childs gender. Because its healthier this way. As I just mentioned, Norman Bates mother felt the exact same way and who am I to disagree. After all he did get a movie deal.
Not that I am comparing Kathy to Norman Bates mother, but I really am. Isn't it bad enough that children are confused by the media and pop culture without parents adding to their problems? I mean, Emo anyone?
At best, Kathy and Dave can expect that their child, whom they named Storm, to grow up sexually confused and that could mean experimenting sexually with men, women, robots, or barnyard animals. Which, I don't judge, but with the rampant diseases out there, is that healthy?
Growing up in this "Look at me" society is hard enough without adding one more stress on top of it all.
Maybe the child was born with both genders? That can happen right? And this little media stunt is in reality the parents way of protecting their little mutant. Mutant...hmm now there is a thought...We can't even be sure its human as I believe the parents killed all living witnesses. It may even eat from a bowl like Fido for all we know.
But let's assume it is human...
It can't be all bad right? There has to be something positive to come out of doing this blatant attempt by the parents to get the attention they were denied as children by using their own children to get the attention. The only example I can think of what sexual ambiguity can become is to look at Lady Gaga. He/she is awesome.
Oh it should be noted that Kathy is the father and David is the mother. They exchanged names in their wedding vows instead of rings.
So to Mr and Mrs Kathy Witterick, I say congratulations on your new son/daughter/it. Maybe one day, after Little Storm is all grown up and moved away, he/she will start talking to you again. I doubt that but hey to the future!

This Went Off Without A Hitch

I have always had a knack for understanding people. Call it empathy, intuition, or the result of watching people through years of social awkwardness, I am really good at knowing why your neighbor doesn't date and has 40 cats. (Its because she's crazy).
So, it isn't surprising that a large number of people come to me for advice. However, it must be mentioned that, I would never come to me for advice. The mere fact that if you read this blog should tell you that. Yet, without fail, almost everyday some guy or gal will get my number off of Facebook and text me or call saying "I don't know what to do." After a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers, I then begin to tell them what it is exactly they should be doing.
This is where it gets interesting, because most of these people want relationship advice. And anyone that knows my track record with dating/marriage, will know that I know nothing about maintaining a relationship much longer than it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Yet, strangely enough, this seems to only be when it is related to my love life. For some odd reason, the advice I give works.
I told one guy that he should take his date (whom is afraid of heights) on a hot air balloon ride. She got scared and almost fell out and he saved her life. They have been married 3 years now. Another, I told her to just speak her mind to her man. After telling him off and making him almost cry they had the most amazing make-up sex and they have been happy ever since.
Just this weekend, I finished a set up straight out of the movies. It's no wonder that my friend Ian says the movie Hitch is based on me. I took two almost strangers from different parts of the country and connected them through a series of coincidences and thoughtful planning. I literally reshaped the world for them. They hit it off as I knew they would. And now both are wanting more.
Which brings me to my next point of contention. Apparantly I know what you need more than you do. So, I think it is in the worlds interest to just listen and do as I say. I should be the Monarch of the Planet Earth. For instance, if I suggest that you step out in front of a bus, its not just because I want you to get run over. Maybe, I am trying to set you up with the driver! Or a paramedic or a doctor at the hospital.
The fact is you can never truly understand the methods to my madness, so just trust me. After all, I have always been a humanist!
So forget Match.com and E-harmony elitists. I will have you jumping hoops and crawling through holes! I will make you curse the day you met me! And when I am done, I will have given you the love of your life.
What can I say other than...Its a special kind of magic.

The Walls Of My Heart Are Solidly Built

It's funny how you can look at someone your whole life and then in one moment everything changes. You go from being the best of friends to something much more. I always believed that when that happens, it has the best chance at forever. Because who doesn't want to be with their best friend.
After all, it's what I want.
The problem is that we often let our experiences with other people ruin any potential experiences we may have in the future. I've done it. You've done it. Everyone has.
So, how do you leave the ghosts where they belong...in the grave.
1st, you have to care enough about the person you are with to know they won't hurt you. If they would hurt, they wouldn't most likely have been your friend to begin with. Because the first and most important rule of love is sacrifice. Giving up your own wants, fears and desires to make someone else happy. We can do it for our children easy enough, but when it comes to our mates, we draw lines in the sand.
2nd, you have to be willing to take a chance. The fact is once you cross that line, there is no going back. It's naive to think you can go from friends to lovers to back to friends again. I wish it were possible, but I realize it really isn't. Which makes it sadder if the 1st part isn't there. Because then you have not only lost a lover, but a dear friend.
3rd, you can't over react. This one is a little tougher. Because you want to see the bad in everyone, because that is easier. After all, if she does something that your ex did then she must be planning to hurt you. But that isn't true necessarily. Each person is an individual. And each must be judged to their own merit. Sure you can be hesitant but again, if they are your friend first then you already know they won't hurt you.
4th, pride has to go. We are sometimes stupidly stubborn and hold onto grudges that have no place in the real world. We build walls to keep us safe. These defense mechanisms both help and hinder you. Sure keep them up with strangers, but you can't treat someone you have been friends with that way. Especially if they have been friends with you for a long time.
I struggle with each of these. I have abandonment issues. And I can't seem to make a relationship last longer than a mentos. So maybe, I don't deserve anything more than what I have been given.
But settling for less than the best I could have, has never been my style. My best male friend just lost his best female friend of 23 years because of this situation. Because she got scared and ran and left him standing in the ashes.
I'm praying that this time will be different. That for once, I won't be left out in the cold.

I Honestly See The Predicament I Created

Honesty. It's a trait that we all want in our friends, family, co-workers and especially in our mates. but there in lies the potential problem. Alot of the times, we don't really want the truth. Or, as in my case, we tend to only say the important parts of it and leave out the parts that we feel are insignificant.
So, then the question becomes, how honest should you be with someone? We are all guilty of little white lies. No, we don't mind you calling so late. No, that dress doesn't make you look fat. I love that eyeshadow you are wearing. These are intended to not hurt the feelings of people we love. They are told because the fact is they are such minor things that they really don't impact our lives at all.
Lies of omission can sometimes be intentional or unintentional. This is the lesson I am learning in reflection at this very second. See, when we tell someone the truth and leave out parts that we don't feel are important or to keep us from getting in trouble or to not hurt someone. Those are lies of omission. We sometimes do this without even realizing it and it takes a splash of cold water to the face to let us know. The nature of the dishonesty often determines the outcome, but sometimes the intentions behind it are irrelevant.
They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions and it seems that is true.
So...let's say you do something to have your integrity questioned...how do you recover from that?
Sometimes, I'm not sure if you can and in some cases I'm not sure if you deserve it. The best you can do is admit your failings. And hope for the best. Your reasoning doesn't matter. It's the person that you've wronged that has final say.
I made a mistake, and without realizing it, became less than honest.