I'm Pretty Sure I Can't Bend That Way

Yoga. As we approach September - national yoga month - I am reminded that I am not as flexible as I could be and that I am grateful for that fact. After all, wasn't yoga invented by a contortionist with a lisp that was practicing to go on stage while enjoying a Dannon smoothie and when asked what she was doing she simply tried to say "Yogurt" but it came out "Yoga?"
An acquaintance of mine, Robin Givens - yes that Robin Givens - used to lecture me endlessly about the benefits of practicing yoga. She normally did this after leaving the gym and was still wearing her gym apparel..which made it hard to focus on anything that she said without imagining her actually doing it. Which made me realize the only interest I would ever have in yoga is one of voyeurism. Just give me a lawn chair and video camera and that is the gift that keeps on giving.
I mean, ladies, while I appreciate the fact that you can bend and twist in those really fun to watch positions...I personally would rather lay on the couch. I mean I have seen pictures of people practicing yoga and people falling over drunk and some of them could go either way.
This isn't to say I dismiss the benefits or the skill required to perform many of the movements. I just am lazy.
Honestly for an exercise that doesn't require running, yoga looks exhausting! I can barely sit still much less hold an awkward position for several minutes or longer. Any woman that can properly hold these poses kinda scare me actually, I am pretty sure they could kick my ass in a fight!
So, I decided to look into yoga myself...and I learned that I didn't even know how to spell the word or the first thing about it...
Then top it off with their being two types of yoga...hot and cold...I thought this was an analogy to relationships, so I was surprised to learn it refers to the style of workout each offer.
Apparently, hot yoga doesn't refer to the kinds of girls that will be in the class...I was mildly disappointed, and I wanted to claim that false advertising had lured me in. But, I decided to stick it out and show these women and that one other guy just how easy this really was.
I learned this wasn't as easy as I thought it was.
I also forgot to bring a towel so after a few minutes I was slipping on my own sweat on the mat. After face planting twice, I decided the only heat I wanted was the sauna...I dejectedly took my mat and left to the sound of laughter as I made my way to the showers.
Cold yoga was basically the same thing, just they had the air conditioner on and set to 45 degrees Fahrenheit.
My instructor told me that the main difference between the two is that hot yoga is rigid and cold yoga promotes being in touch with your body...and after doing both, I can agree that I am mindful of how stiff my body is...
So, ladies...my hats off to you...I would bow, but I don't think I would be able to stand back up.

Oh I Am So Sorry I Snaked Your Camera Earlier

I've heard of shoving sausages and socks in your pants to make your junk look bigger, but Eric Fiegel of Phoenix, Arizona has shown that some people weren't thinking big enough. Eric entered an Arizona pet store and proceeded to take several albino boa constrictors and shove them down his pants. I guess that he thought women would be impressed with how his penis writhed and wriggled without any obvious stimulation. Fiegel was later arrested because he didn't bother to pay for the snakes before he left the pet store and he waved at the camera as he shoved the boas in his underwear. He then went to another pet store and sold some of the stolen snakes for $175 and a large reptile tank.

A newlywed couple is  behind bars after being caught on tape shoplifting the food they provided at their reception. Arthur Philips III, aged 32, and Brittany Lurch, aged 22, were seen on video filling up a shopping cart and exiting the store without paying. I can't really blame them as it costs almost as much to get married these days as it does to get divorced. I mean why pay caterers when you can just pilfer everyones dinner?

In other news to make your skin crawl, a football player from Gravette, Arkansas, found a large snake in his helmet...while he was playing football. Darrick Strzelecki claims he "felt something odd in his helmet while playing." After half time, he sta down and removed his helmet and found the rather large king snake. Witnesses say that the had never watched a football player move like a cheerleader nor sound like one before this happened. The coaches thought his increased speed may have been drug related until the met the slithery tag along. Rules do not forbid a player from taking part in a sporting event while keeping reptiles in their helmets.

In news that doesn't involve snakes or cameras, a woman has gained 210 pounds in the last five years to bring her total weight to 490 lbs...and what was the cause of this massive weight gain? Junk food gives her orgasms...I don't really have a joke for this, just thought it was interesting. I mean it would make life simpler if I could have orgasms without women or porn being involved, so I say rock on Gabi Jones of Colorado.

I Have No Skeletons In My Closet Only A Bone Or Two

Sometimes in our youth we experiment and try different things. Then we try and distance ourselves from those things if they could have a negative impact on our lives. But guys, if you don't want anyone to figure out your dark little secrets don't link your adult friend finder account to the same e-mail you use for facebook or a Christian Singles Website.
Being the cynic that I am, I can usually find something wrong with anyone. So when a friend of mine dared me to find some dirt on her perfect guy she met on http://www.christianmingle.com I took it as a challenge accepted.
Mr. Perfect came off as an active duty air force serviceman and a family man, who was willing to relocate to be with the woman of his dreams. That to me yelled red flags, because...as far as I could remember the Air Force doesn't let its soldiers up and move to where ever they want, whenever they want!
Mr. Perfect was also a God-fearing Christian. Therefore, I knew from the start that he may very well end up being as perfect as my friend thought he was.
I began a basic web search of his screen name which I won't mention here, but we will call him "Cynteck". Right away I got several hundred hits. Turns out our friend, Mr Perfect has a love for the World of Warcraft. I knew I was on the right track when I found a photo bucket site that had pictures of Mr. Perfect and various half dressed women all over it. It was like a soft core porn site.
Not troubled in the least I continued to search through hundreds of pages, determined to find that it was all a misunderstanding.  After all, most of what I found was links to fantasy debate sites - you know the ones that let you argue over whether Princess Zelda is hotter than that elf chick in Lord of the Rings!
But then...tragedy struck...
Mr Perfect had some dark secrets....dark secrets in the form of Adultfriendfinder.com and SexyCostaRicansNeedHotSex.orgy. It seems that he had an extensive history with every casual sex web site on the internet. Maybe that is where the hot scantily clad womens pictures came from that he had on that photobucket site!
But this could still be a misunderstanding, right? I thought about it for a minute and decided the only way to find out if Mr Perfect was being framed was to create my own adult friend finder account. I said my name was Nancy and that I was from Ohio. I messaged "Cynteck" and told him I would like to meet and he immediately responded...by sending me a picture of his penis.
It was then I realized that not only was Mr Perfect not framed...but he was also gay...as I never listed Nancy's gender as female.
This made me decide to search through the LGBT singles sites and sure enough...Mr Perfect was there too. It seems "Cynteck" really got around...I found him on bestiality sites...on midget porn and most disturbingly on the Build-a-bear website.
The moral of the story is if you are a closet freak that will try anything with anyone, but you want an honest woman at home...don't use the same screen names and passwords...

The Best Girls Can Be Rented On 10th Street

Readers a brand new study performed by the nonprofit group Prostitution Research & Education shows conclusively that men that rent women for sexual favors commit more crimes. This scientific research was headed up by Melissa Farley a clinical psychologist -- who also happens to be an anti-prostitution activist. I think that she grew up to be that way because of her dad Chris being found dead from an overdose with all those hookers.

But it turns out that Melissa had some pretty hard evidence to back up her claims...In interviews of 202 men in Boston, the men who had used a prostitute were more willing overall to divulge criminal histories than the ones that said they had not ever used a prostitute.

After all, if a man had a clean criminal history then he would surely spill the details to a stranger about the crimes he had not been caught for, right? I know I go up to every random person I meet and say things like, "I stole a car last week and went joy riding but returned it before the owners knew it was missing!" or "I use a dealer on 5th street."
Also knowing the people that funded this research, I am positive it was a completely non-biased affair. After all, she just interviewed men that were in prison and men that worked as bankers - who probably should have been in prison.
Besides, is it really a surprise that those with dubious morals and ethics would be okay with paying a woman for sex?
Ms. Farley believes that prostitution demeans women and takes away from their self worth...but most women I have met use sex as a way to get what she wants from the men in her life!
And it's not like all men aren't guilty of some form of prostitution anyways... I mean, if you take a girl out to dinner and a movie and then you pay for everything and afterwards she has sex with you...didn't you just technically pay for it? Isn't bartering for sex what Valemercialism Day is all about?

I say just legalize it. After all, it is the oldest profession. If it were legalized, think of all the other industries that could...ahem...grow with it. You could open an Adult Fun Store right next to Sally's House of Carnal Bliss! Forget just having condom dispensers in bathrooms, you could open a store that sells 31 flavors and varieties!
Video rental equipment could also make a come back! Everyone knows when you have a threesome with a girl that looks like she was smacked with a hammer and a midget that you will want a DVD to remember it by!

Want to know another industry that could make a comeback? Jesus! Opening a brothel or two in every town would surely rally the religious! They could help revive the paper industry by printing leaflets to warn visitors to the brothel exactly what will happen to that person in hell!
If you plan to make it a family vacation, the brothels could set up day-cares! Imagine getting a clown to make you an inflatable condom-poodle!
Doctors could open new walk-in clinics next door to test people for STD's and unwanted pregnancies!
Alcohol and Tobacco Industries could also see a growth spurt since it takes a lot of alcohol to make someone want to have sex with a random stranger for money!
Advertising firms could also make a return to prominence as the different brothels could advertise their specials for that week on television with commercials like "Free Doggy with the purchase of Reverse Cowgirl - bullwhip not included!"
So Ms. Farley instead of fighting the only secure career in this failing job market, isn't it your obligation to encourage its prosperity? After all...no one likes a flaccid economy...

Oh Dear Lord I Ate A Bad Date

Dating. Is there any other word that inspires such revulsion and revile?
The fact is that dating typically sucks. The reasons for this are many and varied, but I like to think in my case it boils down to one simple fact...she isn't as awesome as I am.
So, when a date is going badly, but I would like for it to improve, I begin to follow the following steps to bring the fun back into the suck-fest. These are my ways of improving a date.
First, if all she is talking about are her nails and makeup then you must understand she is doing this because she has no real personality. After all, you only went out with her because she was hot. But, typically, hot equates boring as shit. This is because beautiful people spend so much time maintaining their outward veneer, their brains solely focused on all things visually appealing, that they mass deleted anything not to do with fashion or acne relief from their brains.
If she is this vacuous, then there is only one reason you asked her out to begin with. And, if that is the only reason, and she agreed to go out with you...then you probably don't need any of my advice.
Ladies, I'll be honest, if we go out and all you talk about is the color eye shadow you are wearing and how long it took for you to decide how it better complimented your shoes...you will be taking a cab home from the restaurant. If this is the direction we are going, I will try and change things up...I will ask you if anyone ever told you that a blow up doll has more personality than you do and I just want to shove a knife in my ear so I don't have to listen to you anymore! This always fires the girl up and we usually start talking about things that matter...like who will be on top.
Sometimes, you go on a date with the opposite type of girl. Now personally, I like this category. Especially if she and I have chemistry. But I understand that there are a lot of guys out there that have no clue how to keep up with a conversation with a girl that is smart, witty and funny. So at this point you really only have a few options if you wish to keep seeing this girl. First, find out her favorite subject and avoid it if you know nothing about it! Maybe pick a book up on it to kinda have a inside look into her mind, but she will know if you really know your material or if you are trying to make yourself sound smarter than you are. Instead, if that topic comes up, admit your ignorance. Tell her you are genuinely interested in her thoughts and ideas and then do the impossible...pay attention because there is a quiz later!
If it is possible to avoid the topic that so inspires her, instead talk about something that she is slightly interested in but hasn't earned a doctorate for. These "middle ground conversations" are something even you can keep up with. You should also not be intimidated by how much smarter than you she is. This can totally work in your favor, as she already knew she was way smarter than you when she agreed to go out with you! The fact that she went out with you to begin with borders on morbid curiosity to having a soft spot for big dumb animals. In fact, you should probably remain in awe of her the whole evening. Show her that you respect her intelligence and you will get a second and most likely a third date.
But the average girl...is somewhere in between these two examples. This girl most likely doesn't feel as pretty as the head cheerleader type, nor as smart as the geeky girl type. To get the most out of this date, you have to remind her she is worthwhile. She probably thinks you only asked her out as some kind of prank or because she doesn't think she can do any better -note if you really are beneath her, then you better thank Jesus someone agreed to date you and make this woman a queen! Balance the conversation between honest flattery and mentally stimulating conversation. Show an interest in her that is both sexually motivated and intellectually stimulating and she will go out out with you again!
Lastly, the rarest type of girl of all...The hot, SeXy Nerdy Chick...Let me say that this girl is out of every mans league. If she decides to go out with you, you should thank whatever God you believe in and then proceed to have the most fun date of your life. This girl will most likely think you are the dull uninteresting one and will be using steps similar to the ones I've suggested to make you comfortable and at ease. In all the other examples, you take the role of hunter but with this girl you are markedly prey and she knows it. As a matter of fact there are only a few reasons why she would lower herself to date you...like maybe she felt sorry for you. If this is the case then just go out and have fun...this means she already likes your personality! Another option is that you hurt a friend of hers and she wants to humiliate you completely...if this turns out to be the case just accept the punishment gracefully..who knows if you show enough humility maybe she will then feel sorry for you and take you out again. Another option is that she was bored and looking to date someone she isn't compatible with at all. If this is the case, all you can do is be yourself and try have a good time, because you most likely won't get a second date.
As a matter of fact it should be stated that in all cases, you should be yourself. If you aren't a jet-setting neuro brain surgeon then don't pretend you are! She will know the truth when you take her home in your pinto to your moms basement!
Hopefully these tips will help you land the woman of your dreams.

Some Things May Make Me Go Nuclear

I love my microwave oven. This magical device can turn a frozen piece of meat into a delectable gourmet dinner. So that's why last week I decided to find out what other uses this marvelous machine could be used for.
The first thing I found was that a microwave can help dry hair. I was dog-sitting my friends chihuahua and decided to give it a bath. Unfortunately, I didn't have any towels, and that is when I saw the microwave oven! Now I know what your thinking, why didn't I just toss it in the dryer? But the last time I did that I was cleaning dog vomit out for a month...The dog was probably dry in 8 secs...however I set the timer for 2 minutes...and at that point poor Dynamite lived up to her names potential. So, this taught me that if I wanted to use it as a blow dryer, I just needed to dial back the amount of time!
Also, a microwave can be used as a quicker way to self tan. After learning the proper time a small animal can be left in one with resulting in a mess to clean up, I noticed that a side effect was a shiny dark tan that bordered on 3rd degree burns! So imagine a full size one that you can step into get crispified and then go to the gym looking fabulous -sure there is a chance of getting skin cancer, but let's face it if you use tanning beds you will probably get it anyway.
A microwave can be used as a substitute for a clothes line or a dryer if either of those things are broken. Just make sure that you don't place anything made of metal in one as that could make the microwave explode.
The microwave is also a good place to store things you think are valuable! How many thieves looking for your jewelry will check there!
Microwaves are fun to throw at traffic while standing on an overpass! Just take one up and toss it over the side and watch and giggle at the chaos that ensues!
Microwaves can help get back at past lovers. Take any cutesy or sentimental items of theirs and toss it and let bake for 8 mins.
Microwaves can be used as stepping stools. Can't reach the top shelf? Stand on the top of your microwave and you will have easy access!
When combined with a PS3, an Xbox, and a few Wii controllers, a microwave can be converted to a missile control device. Take one of these around the silos in Nebraska and OoOoOo and ahhhh over the fireworks.
Older microwaves can be used to help build muscle. That's because they weighed a ton! Start bench pressing these babies and you will be buff in no time.
Microwaves can be temporarily used as a silver smelter. By temporarily, I mean used only once. That's because after it melts the silver it will likely catch fire and explode.
Microwaves can replace people as dates. Just duct tape one onto a mannequins body and then dress it and take it out on the town. People will be really impressed. After all, 'she' cooks for you and never complains...Just be sure not to let the stove know -she may get jealous after all she tends to clean up after herself.
When combined with a melee weapon (like a bat, a golf club or an ax) microwaves make great stress relief. If it overcooked your burrito, just beat the shit out of it!
Microwaving can help you make counterfeit artwork! Paint an oil painting of the Mona Lisa then toss it in a microwave to dry. It will "age" the canvas to make it look like it is very old and dry the painting out quickly!
Babysitting little hellions? Show them a video of what happened to Dynamite after 2 minutes! Then tell them that is what you will do to them if they don't behave! Works much better than time-out!
Jesus allegedly amazed the ancient Jews by cooking fish in one in half the time it usually takes!
Microwaves don't make good Jacuzzi's though...sorry Rhonda, I hope that your husband regains his ability to speak after the near fatal electric shock he experienced after I tossed one in his bath...
*Authors note: The author takes no responsibility for any bad things that may occur from attempting any of the above suggestions. That being said, please video any of the bad things that will occur and post them to http://www.youtube.com

You Should Let Me Pay You To Sit Naked In A Tub Of Noodles And Jam

Readers. Lately I have been looking to buy new furniture and the first place I went was to Craig's List. I must admit that I found no furniture I was interested in but I did find several other ads that caught my attention.
The 1st ad that grabbed my eye was from a woman in Des Moines, Iowa. Her ad was under the title "Jogging Partner" and she wants someone to help her exercise by "giving her Rohypnol and strapping her body to theirs 3 times a week." Guys, just be sure you can provide the Roofies and don't tell her where you got it from...she doesn't want to know! I can't see anything that could go wrong with this idea! After all, the kind of guys that keep Rohypnol around are some of the most respectable people in the world. I know I use the date rape drug on random women at least once a never. The ball gag and rope are optional and must also be provided by her rapist...I mean running partner.
The next ad was from a guy in Inland Empire, California. He was looking for a man of Russian origin with a strong accent who is at least 40  years old. All he wanted was for the Russian to go to a bar for 30 minutes and sit with him. For this, he will pay you $200. I'd also request a bulletproof vest for this meeting! And I'd probably carry a gun as I am sure that hanging with this guy would be quite hazardous to my health. I wonder if the real Russian Mafia would take offense to this guy pretending he was a part of it?
If you happen to be a guy that likes watching Harry Potter naked with another guy, Craig's List has the listing for you! A guy is looking for a fellow nudist to come over to his house and watch movies naked. He doesn't care how old you are or about your size or anything...just wants to hang out in a clothing less enviroment...I tried a similar ad looking for hot girls to come watch Titanic and got no responses...maybe putting a pic of me posing like the Coppertone baby was the mistake...
For the science fiction lovers out there, a group of girl Trekkies are looking to start up a turtle farm and want to share their new found passion with native Klingon speakers. Only in Canada...Of course, if I had known that speaking a fictional language would allow me easier access to dock my star ship in a girls space port...maybe I would have paid more attention.
For those seeking a job, a guy in the Chicago area wants to start his own Demon Hunting Business. He wants to go kill people that are actually demons. Ironically his ex-wife and boss are on the list.
Another ad out of Bozeman, Montana is looking for someone to help operate a "working time machine." He plans to travel back to 1983 and handle some business. I think he wants to buy stock in Yahoo!....
Another guy posted a 70 page rant about the "jackass" that stole his camera. He told in absolute detail of how he would hurt/maim the person responsible if he ever finds out! The last sentence however, does show that he felt it was possible that someone took it to turn it in to the police station, but then adds to the end of it..."but this isn't the case so f*** you!" I think he handled that whole thing rather calmly...
Speaking of rants, a young woman used a listing to tell her porn addicted boyfriend that she doesn't appreciate him trying to give her ass to mouth...She is ok with everything else however...I wonder if she is single now...
If you are a practioner of ancient Jewish magics, you could get hired to create a Golem. The writer is quick to point out he doesn't want a Gullem (that weird creepy thing from Lord of the Rings) but instead he wants an animated statute to do all the chores around the house. Maybe, he also wants this Frankenstein's monster to stop angry mobs from trying to burn down his house.
And lastly, if you live in the area of Boulder, Colorado, you can become the proud owner of Sea Monkeys. A woman is selling her blind sons beloved pets and replacing it with a dog. And since her new apartment has a no "Sea Monkey Clause" these aquatic mischief makers have to go.
After reading these, I wonder if I could advertise myself on Craig's List....