Locked Up Tighter Than Fort Knox

     Anti-American sentiment is nothing new in some parts of the world. China has long disliked us, mostly because we always show their national icon – Jackie Chan – as a buffoon. Even the Middle East has had problems with us in the past. I can overlook these groups of people because deep down I know that they would still be herding goats if Americans weren’t buying their cheaply made trinkets. But, when the Anti-American attitude comes from the country that gave us spaghetti and meatballs and the ancestors of the cast of Jersey Shore, then it becomes personal. This is because Italy has given America the boot — in the form of Amanda Knox.
     Knox is a 24 year old girl from a prominent family in Seattle, Washington. She had traveled across the pond to study abroad and ended up in the town of Perugia, Italy during the height of fallout from the US invasion of Iraq. A beautiful and charming girl in a strange new town, she quickly tried to make friends with the locals. She even took a job at a local bar to help her fit in better.
     It was here that Knox would become the focal point of a murder investigation involving her roommate Meredith “Mez” Kercher. Mez, a pretty 21 year old Briton, was well liked and well known in the small community. Knox’s trouble and involvement began on the night of November 1st, 2007. Knox went to stay with her new boyfriend (Rafaelle Sollecito), while Mez stayed out with friends. At some point Mez left her friends and went home alone. The next day Amanda returned home to find that her house had been vandalized and Mez was missing. She tried calling her friend a few times before finally calling local police.
     Knox was immediately a person of interest, along with Sollecito. Soon after, authorities would allege that “Knox directed her then-boyfriend (Sollecito) and a third defendant Rudy Guede, to hold Kercher down as Knox played with a knife before slashing Kercher's throat. They said the trio left her in a pool of blood and covered her with her own blanket.” Accounts vary as to motives, but when it went to trial prosecutors would claim that a “Sex and drug fueled satanic ritual” had been the reasoning behind the grisly murder. Prosecutors would change their reasoning for the motives throughout the trial to cover anything from ritual sacrifice to an over enthusiastically played out sex games. That’s because in Italy, sex is better when someone stabs you viciously over and over in your throat.
     The various media painted Knox as a naïve and innocent girl over her head in a hostile land. But surely justice would prevail. Surely a court would look beyond her country of origin and past the circumstantial evidence. Surely the real killer would be caught and she would be able to put this behind her as a bad memory. After all, she had merely notified police of a crime and then worked with authorities to the best of her ability to help find the ones who were guilty.
     The trial would come to a cold and bitter end in December of 2009. Knox and her ex-boyfriend Sollecito would be tried together and be given almost 30 years each. Rudy would earlier confess to the crime of murdering Kercher and would be offered 15 years if he would agree to testify against Knox and her boyfriend. Rudy took that deal with a smile! Knox’s conviction would take place despite the court having been presented evidence showing she had been allegedly abused by Italian authorities, despite experts testifying that evidence had been contaminated, despite experts testifying that events couldn’t have happened the way prosecutors claimed, even despite a confession of Rudy Guede – after his DNA was found inside Mez’s body!
     I would be afraid to contact authorities of a crime in Italy now, because I fear that I would be used as the scapegoat for a bungling police force. What’s next? Will Italian police arrest and convict American citizens for major crimes just because they happened to be in the same city? Will Americans become the “suspects” for crimes that occurred while that American was in the US of A?
     I suspect that Knox’s arrest and later conviction was instead a rebuke against America for the growing discontent with then President Bush’s Iraq war policies. Otherwise, why would poor little Amanda and her American loving boyfriend be given longer sentences than the man who confessed to sexually assaulting and murdering Meredith Kercher? After all the years I have spent watching CSI Miami, I know that in order to prove someone’s guilt you have to have a basement full of forensic evidence that conclusively ties the suspect to every aspect of the crime. Italian authorities didn’t have enough evidence to convict her of jay-walking — much less murder!
     It is a sad day in the world when a court system would find an innocent woman guilty just because of her nationality. But, Italy has a chance to redeem itself. Knox is gearing up to face the courts again as her appeal date draws near. The question now becomes: How do you overturn a poorly conceived conviction and still save face in the eyes of the world?
     If Italy needs a scapegoat to blame for this international debacle, why not turn on the lead prosecutor, Giuliano Mignini? After all, it was Mignini that suggested it was ritual sex and sacrifice that led to the murder of Ms. Kercher. Mignini has allegedly used that line of prosecution “unsuccessfully over 20 times.” This way Italy can claim it was the actions of a man possessed by some need to see the devil everywhere he looks in the world around him. They could even do it as a sort of national pardon. The Prime Minister could make an official statement recognizing that details in the case are too vague and while circumstantial evidence may exist, it is not enough to keep a possibly innocent girl locked up for the majority of her life.
     For the young Amanda Knox, I hope that Italy does the right thing. Grant this girl clemency in an ugly incident that made her guilty only by the nature of her birth. Hopefully for the girl dubbed “Foxy Knoxy” by the world media, absolution is right around the corner.

That's No Way To Get A Head

It is said that nothing special ever happened on September 10th. So I set out to prove this statement wrong...and at first...I could not. See, the universe revolves around a few constant unwavering laws. The sky is blue. What goes up, will inflate gas prices which in turn will piss me off. And I am never wrong. So when it turned out that I could be wrong, I began questioning the other constants. Just as I was ready rethink Yanni as a musician, I found the story I was looking for. An amazing story that began in 1945...on September 10th.
On this cool evening, Lloyd Olson went to kill a chicken for the evening meal. He selected a young 5 month old rooster and grabbed his ax. Taking his time, he expertly removed the chickens head. Now for those of you lucky enough to not grow up on a farm, a chicken will run around for a minute or two then fall over dead after it has bled out. This day was no different, the chicken ran about then fell over into the dirt. Lloyd walked over to collect his dinner when a miracle happened. The headless chicken stood up, flipped Lloyd off and pecked at the ground with it's imaginary head.
Lloyd was taken aback at this beak less wonder! Not understanding how this miracle happened the Olson family force fed grain and water down the birds open throat with an eye dropper. And because they needed a name for this miracle, they looked to biblical examples and found a name suited for a resurrection: Mike.
After a few days, the Olsons took Mike to the University of Utah to be examined. The scientists looked over this creature with extreme skepticism but since photoshop hadn't been invented yet they studied Mike.
Turns out that when the head was severed, a part of the bird's ear and all of it's brain stem were still attached. And a blood clot had formed to keep it from bleeding to death. This basically means that so long as Mike was fed and taken care of it would continue to live a normal life for a headless chicken.
So Lloyd and his wife did the only thing a sensible American could - they started a side show act. People lined up for miles to watch a headless bird run around.
This inspired a nation-wide tour and an annual festival. The tour came to an end in Arizona a mere year and a half later when Mike choked to death at a seedy motel where this famous cock was found with several hookers and an ounce of cocaine...no wait that was Chris Farley...Mike just choked to death.
Lloyd returned home and collected the $10k life insurance policy he had bought on Mike and many thought that would be the end of it all. But no one understood the popularity of the festival. With events like "run like a headless chicken" and "bobbing for apples while wearing a burlap sack to give you the feeling of being headless," thousands flock to Fruita, Colorado every year to this day.
After earning the Olson family a small fortune and a small amount of fame including stints on Ripley's Believe It Or Not and in the Guinness Book of World Records, Mike showed us that sometimes running around like a chicken with your head cut off can buy you a sports car.

I'm Gonna Do My Little Turn On The Slutwalk

I'm planning a trip to Minnesota because on October 1st, they will be hosting the Slutwalk. Being a big fan of sluts, I must say how exciting it is to know that they are organizing and taking it to the streets! No longer will the word hold negative connotations! No longer will I have to wonder or even ask! Because when I see you marching out there, I will already know!
I admit I know very little about the origin of this great sounding event other than it encourages women to wear lingerie and mini-skirts or school girl uniforms and heels while taking part on a 2 mile walk. Women are also encouraged to carry signs that say things like "Proud Slut" or "The Answer To The Question You're Asking Yourself Is: Yes I Do."
I can picture the debauchery and wildness already and it only makes me that much more excited to travel to a state that will require someone to keep me warm. But before I go, I guess I should do a little research on this momentous occasion.
*Breaks away to read*
Folks as it turns out the Slutwalk isn't to advertise that you like to be chained to the bedpost and tortured with feathers - the only reason we still have MySpace! No instead it is the lofty project of Sonya Barnett and Heather Jarvis.The point of the march is to bring awareness to rape victims after a constable in Canada remarked, "women shouldn't dress like sluts if they wish to avoid being raped."
Apparently Heather and Sonya took offense at that remark and decided that they would gather as many sluts as they could to protest being called women. Or maybe they are protesting being called women that dress like sluts, I am really unclear on the whole thing as I am attempting to learn the history and cancel my hotel and flight reservations. Regardless, Heather and Sonya decided to redeem the word slut and make it as proper an endearment as hun, baby, and SeXy Ass Bitch. So on April 3rd of this year they held the first Slutwalk in Toronto, Canada.
The two ladies have organized many of these rallies since and plans have been made to see Slutwalks in all the major cities in America. As the movement has spread so have the ideas of feminism, conservative values, and commercialism.
The movement has created many types of memorabilia like bumper stickers and pins that say "I <3 Sluts!" The sad thing bumper sticker and pin makers, so do I! which is why I am disappointed that this isn't a festival similar to the Adult Film Conventions.
Like me, many people take offense at the vague use of the word "slut." People like Gail Dines, a renowned feminist, who claims "the word is beyond redemption." That's right girls, you can't make the word slut equate to the word lady. That would be like equating the word politician to the word honesty.
While I applaud the idea of rape awareness, I must question the vehicle used to propel the message forward. By embracing the word "slut", a word - that by own and by no means official definition - means a woman who will willingly sleep with any guy so long as that guy meets very basic criteria, i.e. breathing, does that add credibility to your movement? Or does it make your movement seem crass and vulgar? Does it appeal to mainstream America or just draw out perverts who would book a flight to Minnesota just because of the name of the event?
Doesn't it seem that by using the term slut in Slutwalk just plays to misogynists and pedophiles? Why not call it the EmpowermentWalk? Will little Sally Housewife throw on a teddy and march with you? Or will she most likely watch in lurid fascination at the half naked protesters and be so fixated on the appearance that she never catches the message?
If a picture paints a thousand words, then a photo of this rally is worth a years subscription to Playboy.

I Got The Room, But Now I'm Bored

Everywhere I look I see the signs of the bad economic times. Businesses shutting down. Foreclosure signs on homes. But now I am starting to see evidence of an upswing.

Businesses like this Best Western have decided to enter the rental housing market. Each apartment has one to two beds, a spacious bathroom, a mini fridge, a microwave and daily maid service. 

I applaud them reaching out to connect with people so poor that they can't find anywhere else to live except a sleazy motel that I wouldn't even take a hooker to!

Speaking of taking people home with you, could you imagine bringing a girl home from the bar? I imagine it would go something like this:

You: Why don't we go back to my place?

Girl: Ok cool, but I'm not that kind of girl so no funny business OK?

You: Never baby, I respect you to much.

*Leaves the bar and drives to Best Western.*

Girl: What the hell is going on? Are you some kind of freak? Theres no way I'm staying with you in some cheap hotel!

You: No baby, you don't understand! I live here!

Girl: You creepy bastard! *sprays mace in your eyes* 

Other than serial killers and that creepy guy that builds bombs in his moms basement, who is the targeted clientele?

Is there that much of an apartment shortage that the best place you can find to live is a motel featuring a picture of Andy Griffith on the outside of the building? 

Maybe they are looking to promote prostitution and the porn industry? P.E.T.A anyone?

I think these people may have the most likely motive to rent one of these "apartments."

Maybe open up a camera shop, a sex toy company and put condom dispensing vending machines next to the ice machine. Aerosmith, Nickleback and The Lonely Island could stream into the "apartments" via Pandora radio.

Chris Hansen could even set up a permanent child porn catching studio in one! Every pervert in America would fall prey to the 14 year old girl inviting him back to the hotel.

Think of all the other business opportunities out there! Prison's could rent out cells as motel rooms! McDonalds could become a wedding catering service! Hooter's could make food that is edible! Funeral homes could enter the mattress making industry, I know I would love to sleep in satin! Baskin Robbins can offer cryogenic services in their deep freezers!

So America go out and make money any way you can!

I Spilled The Beans And Stained My Clothes

Starbucks is in the news again and this time it's not just for overpriced coffee at the expense of slave labor in South American sweat shops.
First up, Starbucks is commemorating it's 40th birthday of selling us a really cheap to produce beverage at exorbitant prices. To help celebrate this milestone, Starbucks hired fashion designer Alexander Wang to create some t-shirts. The t-shirt is supposed to symbolize what the company actually means...and what does that boil down to? A coffee stain.
See, apparently the best that Wang could come up with was to spill coffee on a white t-shirt then mass produce the results. The t-shirts sell for the modest price of $85 on the Starbucks website and at Nordstrom. Now I don't know about you, but nothing says affordable like Nordstrom.
Some may question Starbucks decision to sell the shirts at such a high and utterly ridiculous and in no way warranted price, but I say suck it up. After all, if they can convince you to pay $11 for a latte and a cracker, the shirt's are actually a bargain considering that you still have them after an hour.
Sure the material is cheaply made and if you wash it too much the coffee stain...I mean dye they used will wash out and all you will be left with is a white t-shirt that cost you as much as your cell phone payment, but what do you really expect from a company that makes itself fancy by calling it's 20 oz coffee, 20 in Italian?
The next bit of national news involving Starbucks comes from Washington, D.C. A man and his 5 year old daughter were using the unisex bathroom, when the little girl found a video camera hidden under the sink.
William Yockley of Virginia is suing the chain for $1 million. When I first read that, I wondered about that oddly specific amount, until I looked at his picture and realized Will is actually Dr. Evil.
This isn't the first time that cameras have been found in the bath rooms of the company, which makes me wonder why I haven't found this particular fetish on the Internet. "Girl's of the coffee house" seems like it would be an easy trend to find.
I say that since sexting became popular, why worry about people filming you and putting it out there for the masses to see! Let's just invite them to film live in our own bathrooms! I can put on a much better show when I know I am being filmed!
And does Starbucks get kick backs from the secret pornography/voyeurism business that it allows to film on premises? I would certainly hope so, but then again...couldn't they at least take a bit off the retail price of their White Chocolate Mocha?
Lastly an employee was fired for a satirical song written about some of his customers. The song, written and performed by Chris Cristwell can be found here and is pure genius. The company wasn't too happy with his rant however and gave him the ax. With lines like "I just called you fat" and "I really don't want to care but I'm paid to try," he shows the pain of working in the retail industry that everyone who has ever worked retail has felt.
So why fire this guy? I say hire him to write jingles for your company! He clearly has a knack for song writing and rhyming words with shit..which is what your coffee gives me. The song is catchier than gonorrhea and unlike the STD will make you smile. I think this song should be played as you order, because then at least I won't mind mortgaging the house to have an espresso drink with too much milk and sugar.

Nothing Is What It Is "Crack"ed Up To Be

Show and tell is such a great part of the kindergarten experience. It allows young American children to bring a significant object, toy, pet or memento into the classroom and share with their friends. I remember when I brought a black widow spider that I had caught in a jar in my backyard. Somehow the spider managed to escape it's impromptu prison and hilarity ensued and my parents were called. Scandalous.
But in the town of Sweet Springs, Missouri, a child has outdone me on the show and tell presentation. A young boy who's name wasn't released due to his age but I will call "Little Johnny" brought in a show and tell presentation that will forever be remembered in the annals of school history - A bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe.
Luckily for the other children a sharp eyed teacher recognized the items and cracked down on Little Johnny's planned show and confiscated the items. Little Johnny's mother Michelle Cheatham, aged 32, was arrested for possession.
Or maybe the children weren't so lucky. After all, who knows what kind of show Little Johnny had planned. I am imagining him bringing in that crazy rambling homeless guy that his mom bought the drugs from. Crazy Rambling Eddie could have talked about the day a pineapple bought his dog a hamster before the man came and ate his popsicle sticks which made him turn to a life of drugs that cost him his wife, kids and home in the suburbs. CRE would have been more animated than a Dora the Explorer cartoon. And with his random twitchings and ticks, much more entertaining.
CRE could have also demonstrated the proper way to use crystal meth. But since he probably sold his spoon that he uses to heat the stuff before putting it in the pipe and smoking it, he could borrow one from the teacher's coffee cup. After teaching each of the 6 year olds the proper way to partake, they could have had a demonstration for themselves. A kind of scratch and sniff portion, so to speak.
Then Little Johnny could have had CRE demonstrate what it takes to afford to use crystal meth by having him rob all the children of their lunch monies. Then and only then should the teacher have allowed officers to get involved. After all, how many times will kids get the oppurtunity to watch a police K9 rip a junkie to pieces in front of them.
I think the town missed out on a valuable lesson for the children and that poor little Johnny's mom should not have gone to jail either. Maybe she should have come to the show as well and talked about the things that a woman can do to score free drugs from scummy men that sell them!
After all, the town of Sweet Springs is only 66 miles from Kansas City - the original home of prostitution in America!
So Missouri, I am putting you on alert! You call yourselves the "Show Me" state? Well why don't you show those kids all that they will probably ever amount to...

Spanking The Monkey Has Taken On A Whole New Meaning...Thanks PETA!

Bestiality has a new champion in the form of P.E.T.A.
The animal lovers have finally come out of the closet so to speak by announcing a new business venture - PETA Porn!
The group is thinking of changing the meaning of their anagram to the Pornographic  Entertaining and Talented Animals.
That's because starting sometime after November but before Christmas, P.E.T.A. plans to release a XXX website to help draw attention to the plight of animals. I mean, what could better explain animal cruelty than reverse cowgirl?
The group is known for using scantily dressed models at their events, so shooting hardcore porn is the next obvious step to protesting fur...after all most porn stars are shaved. This begs the question of execution...how will this work?
Spokesperson and Associate Director of Campaigns, Lindsay Rajt claims that "the organization should use every outlet to speak out for animals." I guess this includes pigs of the human male variety.
Rajt promises hardcore videos that will be occasionally interrupted by images of abused animals and commercials that explain their suffering...I know nothing turns me than watching porn that has commercials of malnourished and horribly disfigured dogs and cats.
That kind of video would make me want a cheeseburger so I could have dinner and a show.
As an animal based website, does this mean they would have videos of donkey shows? Wouldn't that really "show" how much they "love" the animals?
Will animal celebrities like Shamu or Kermit the Frog been featured in the adult films?
I would love to attend the next Adult Entertainment Expo that P.E.T.A. debuts in.
This isn't the first time the activist group has used odd and extreme measures to promote an agenda no one really cares about. They once ran a billboard ad of a very large woman with the slogan "Save the whales. Lose the blubber. Eat Vegetarian." They also launched a comic book style ad at children with a cartoony woman trying to stab a rabbit in a comic book titled "Your Mommy Kills Animals!"
This all from a group that I mentioned in a previous blog, that euthanized over 3/4 of the animals they bring in to their shelters each year.
I am also curious at how the groups followers will feel about being a part of the porn industry. The group portrays itself as the average person, but I have never made a pornographic movie....not for lack of trying but from lack of willing participants. Will Sally the Vegetarian Housewife embrace the groups new direction? And if this is indicative of the groups forward thinking and members of an organization must be okay with this direction, does this mean that the sickly looking vegan girl would be willing to film a threesome with me as long as we promise to say "hurting animals is bad" when we are done? Of course, I would want to make sure that she only looked sickly first, but after that...
Anyways, this is an idea I can get off on - uh I mean get on board with P.E.T.A., so I say if what you need to save a few chickens is to swallow a few cocks then go for it.