It Was Just A Little Heavy Petting

I was recently in a pet store and I realized that all the pets that they sell suck. If a pet is a outward expression of who you are inside, then no mere dog, cat or turtle will do. I need a pet that shows the world clearly what I am all about.

The first animal that comes to mind is the laughing hyena. Unfortunately all I know about this animal stems from the Lion King movies and Batman: The Animated Series. But I always assumed that the Lion King was a documentary, so I'm just guessing its pretty accurate. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the laughing hyena doesn't actually laugh. It just sounds like its laughing so that you aren't on guard as it kills you. And since they are predatory carnivores, you wouldn't have to buy it food. Just take it to the dog park and let it off the leash.

Another animal that I would like to own is an emperor penguin. The elitist in me is drawn to this little and very well-dressed bird. Imagine walking into a black tie only event with a penguin at your side! You would draw the envy of everyone there who wished they thought of it first. As for making a proper home, just buy a deep freezer. Toss it in at night and take it out in the morning. 

Just because I'm envious, I'd like to own an anteater. Did you know they have a 2 ft tongue? Take that Gene Simmons! Living in Ga., this would be the perfect pet. After all, anyone from around here dreads the onset of summer because of the fire ants. I would start an ant removal business by charging people to feed my anteater.

Anyone that knows me, knows I hate bears. I hate bears because they look so cute and then they try and eat you. Much like my Ex girlfriend. So that's why a wolverine would be perfect for me. I watched a nature video once of this slightly overgrown badger beating the crap out of two grizzlys. With a wolverine around, I would never worry about a surprise bear attack. Plus I have it on good authority that they look good in yellow spandex.

I like to play darts and toss sharp objects at my neighbors. For this alone, a porcupine is the perfect pet. I would have a harvestable supply of sharp, pointy objects. 

Because I like Gods sense of humor, I want a platypus. This is an animal that looks like Frankensteins monster. Its like God said "I have all these left over parts, so I threw them together." Its a beaver, duck, otter and a rattlesnake all amalgamated into one singular animal. Thats right, I said rattlesnake. As it turns out, the platypus is highly venomous. I guess it would have to be considering it was always picked on in high school.

So listen up pet stores around the world. Start carrying the animals we really want. After all, why would anyone want a pomeranian, when they could buy a puma...