I'm A Swinger Baby!

Folks, I enjoy playing with kids toys as much as the next guy. I also enjoy making stupid bets with people that have had way too much to drink. I have also had my share of bad bets gone horribly wrong.
But, unlike the unnamed man from Vallejo, California, I have never been hospitalized from one of those bets, nor have I had to have the fire department use the jaws of life to rescue me from one of my stunts.
A 21 year old man from California made a $100 bet with his friends that he could successfully fit into a toddler swing in a local public park.
Now honestly, I don't see what could have possibly gone wrong at this point, I mean if a 3 year old can do something then surely so can a full grown man!
The 21 year old preceeded to lube himself up. Then his friends told him that he couldn't win anything but money on this deal.
So, he preceeded to lube himself up again only this time using Tide laundry detergent. After he was thoroughly soaked and I can only assume completely naked he started stuffing himself into the child seat. The process was obviously agonizing, but the unidentified idiot was able to get into the swing. A swing which quickly became apparent, he could not escape from. Now painfully trapped, the young man began to panic and his friends did the only thing they could do in that situation - they laughed at him and went home.
A word to the wise, if you make a bet with a group of people that could possibly cause you to be hurt or to die, maybe you should make sure at least one person in that group wouldn't leave you to your probably deserved fate.
Instead, he was left to swing....for 9 hours. Alone and naked. Covered in soap. In a children's park.
Finally a groundskeeper heard his cries for help at 6 A.M. and called authorities.
I think it would have been more poetic to upload a video to YouTube 1st.
Fire fighter's had to cut the chains and then had to cut him out of the chair.
How's that for embarrassing! Most mother's tell their kids make sure you have clean underwear on, what do you tell a kid that only wears Clean Breeze scented laundry soap?
Maybe he was trying to be like his hero, Portillo Pahtay who successfully forced his body through a child's toilet.
This modern day Houdini was treated for bruising, but his pride was probably the only thing that was hurt.
Guys here are some other bets to avoid.

1. Making a paste using catnip and covering your genitals with them before calling for the local stray cats - trust me this isn't the kind of kitty you want handling your nuts.
2. Hitch hiking while only wearing a speedo! No one wants to see that for any reason and the money you make will never equal the number of views that video will get online.
3. Dressing up in a woman's Catwoman suit and heading to your local Redbox to get the newest Batman animated feature.
4. Offering children candy from a skeezy van.
5. Telling a guy three times your size that you want to take his hot girlfriend for a test drive. You know - around the curves to see how she handles on the stick! I can speak from experience this is never a good idea.
6. French kissing an alligator will most likely end badly for you, so you should avoid that. However, I would love to see you try so ignore this one and make sure you film it.
7. Slapping a female officer on the ass and saying "Giggity" will never get you anything but tazed. This goes for slapping any girl on the ass in settings where she isn't your significant other or a hired prostitute. Slapping a stripper on the ass will not only get you tazed, but also a very large man will pummel you into a bloody pulp.
Now that our unnamed hero has won his bet, I wonder if he will even collect his $100 now that he passed GO?

This Case Makes Me Sad

The world is in an uproar right now. We sit here and mull over the decision, and righteous idignation consumes us. After all, what right did they have to commit such a travesty of justice? Where is the protection for our youth?
Folks, as you all know 11 year old Omar Schpeb was robbed by a group of 5 teenagers while he and his friends were operating their lemonade stand in Strongville, Ohio.
These teens pulled up in a rusty car and threatened to beat them up unless they turned over the cash they had earned. Now, I have heard of knocking over liquor stores...but lemonade stands? After taking the kids $13.50, the 5 teens could each buy a McDouble and they could share a fry.
Omar valiantly chased after the fleeing vehicle, failing not only to catch them, but to get tag number as well. The teens were described as 2 males in blue hoodies with skinny jeans and 3 females. I think I see them right now in class with me! I wonder if there is a reward? I could always call crime stoppers...
In other national headlines, California is once again teaching me why their educational system is so over budgeted. Lawmakers just passed a bill to teach students "Gay History." Now to me, that sounds a little queer. After all, I wasn't aware that history had sex...or the people that taught history had sex either...if you had seen my history teacher you would be in full agreement.
Lawmakers said this measure is to show the contributions that gays, lesbians, transgendered and confused individuals have made to society. I didn't realize that by choosing to have sex with women, that I was performing a note worthy action destined to be recorded by historians should I accomplish anything significant...Oh wait, by being hetero sexual, I won't be noted because of my sexual preference...isn't this a little gay? I mean if we can have a Gay History Month, shouldn't schools also be allowed to have a Straight History Month? Or maybe the lawmakers meant gay as in odd? I can totally see having an odd history month! After all, where would we be if no one knew that the author of the Star Spangled Banner was accused of molesting the flag?
Personally, the idea of adding someones sexual preferences to history books seems self serving and as though it were a political agenda. If someone, male or female, of any race, contributes to society, shouldn't we recognize the person? After all it was John Smith that accomplished that...not a black man that accomplished that...Is it just me or does it seem to demeaning to note a persons ethnicity in their accomplishments? It makes it sound like they accomplished something in spite of, rather than because they were just smarter than the rest of us.
And lastly, everyone in America is wishing for the death of someone right now...and I agree she should die a horrible, painful death in the same manner as she committed her crime!
So, mother Grizzly bear in Yellowstone...I am calling you out! you can't kill innocent hikers just because you are bigger and get away with it because a jury found you not guilty of murder or even manslaughter...You even tried to cover it up and when questioned about it, you changed your story a few times. Sure they are holding you until proper sentencing can be given, but I don't buy it was an accident. I think you mauled that hiker because you wanted to be free to party with the other woodland creatures free of responsibility of being a side show attraction. You better dye your hair to match a black bear or a polar bear and move far away so that no one recognizes you! You have been placed on alert!