I Get Off On My Addiction

The bad economy has driven many people to places they would rather not be. Bankruptcy. Homelessness. Despair. Depression. And in some of these cases, the victims become the victimizer. Resorting to petty crimes to stay afloat and alive in these difficult times.
Amanda Rose Owens is one such victim turned aggressor.

Amanda had been struggling to pay her bills. She owed hundreds in debt. And she was afraid to miss out on her personal addiction, so she broke into a neighbors house in East Bethel, Minnesota, on 3 separate occasions in a one week period.

The first time she pilfered a camera.

The next time a briefcase.

And the third time a jar of money valued at around $300.

After the second break-in homeowner Darin Pake set up a security surveillance system in order to catch his mystery thief. And lo and behold...it was poor little 18 year old Amanda.

When confronted by police, Amanda allegedly admitted everything...including her reason for the robberies...she is addicted to porn! Amanda had purchased between 20 and 30 new hardcore DVDs and needed a way to pay for them. But rather than become a porn star herself and make money doing something she obviously enjoyed, she decided to break into her neighbors house to rip him off instead.

Amanda must have liked her porn doggy-style, because the video of her break-in shows her entering through the doggy door. It isn't clear what kind of porn she was into though, which is a shame. Maybe she was into Girl-on-Girl? Or most likely, she was into the hapless babysitter being taken advantage of - since she was normally invited into Mr. Pake's residence to babysit his children!

The sad part is that you can get most porn for free on the Internet! So why would you ever need to pay for it? Also, everyone knows that one kinky couple in each town, so just ask to film them and bam! Problem solved! She could also have uploaded a few videos of herself doing an erotic dance and quite possibly made enough money to pay for her addiction. Although, as far as addictions go, isn't porn safer than crack?

Sadly, if this is a real addiction, then she will probably get off...of the charges which carry up to a $20,000 fine and a year in jail.

It's too bad her number is unlisted because she could gain major street cred in the phone sex hotline business now.

Sex...And The Single Man Or Woman That Is Socially Inept But Owns A Computer

Readers, I have decided to do you all a favor and I have treaded into the world of internet dating so that you don't have to. I will admit that this is a very biased foray as I am not sure I believe a connection can be made with someone you have never met face to face.
After all, it is very easy for a 34 year old man like myself to claim I am a 26 year old multimillionaire who rescues puppies from shelters and drinks champagne with the homeless as a way of giving back. And since I am spending all of my time "giving back", I can't meet women the way a normal millionaire would...driving a $300,000 car up and down the beach...I have to resort to (name removed) the online dating service.
OK, I won't be actually naming any of the sites, because let's face it they are all basically the same. Regardless if it is e-Whatever and mix up and get together dot com or the one that sounds like it borders on bestiality and is promoted on Facebook, they are all the same basic concept. Join for free, upgrade to actually meet someone for a small fortune, get disappointed that aforementioned millionaire lives in his moms basement, drives a pinto, and is 56.
I mean the questions that they ask to determine compatibility are a joke...
Look at these two questions I was asked from the dating sites...*Note: I took liberities with the responses but I am pretty sure that they are pretty close to the choices available.

Do you like ponies?
A. I like them alot
B. I like them okay
C. I neither dislike or like them
D. I am not fond of equines
E. I CAN'T STAND F***ING HORSES!!!
How would you define a successful date?
A. Dinner and a movie
B. Knocking over a liquor store
C. Picking her up on 10th street, paying her $25 and going home afterwards
D. Going to the beach
E. Enjoying an art show or pantomime

If you picked E. in the first question then it turns out you are compatible with A & D in the second question. If you picked A in the first question you are compatible with B & C in question two. And if you picked E in question number 2, you aren't compatible with anyone...freak.
I think all these sites do as part of their scientific research is throw darts at a board with each of our names on it. Whichever names the darts hit are your first matches.
It's like they cover an intern with honey and sticky notes with compatible qualities then they set loose a wild bear. Whatever qualities are still stuck to the corpse must be congruous.
While I believe that there is someone way more qualified than me to decide who my "soulmate" is, I shudder to think that can be decided by arbitrarily answering random multiple choice questions that I barely paid attention to as I was answering...wait did I say I liked boating or I enjoyed being broke...if you are taking your date out for the first on your first date, you most likely will be the latter before you two break up.
I mean, who really has gone on a first date "exploring the tundra." I guess that could apply to an Eskimo, but then its not really relevant to the rest of the mainstream world. You never see getting high and eating funions as a choice for "What do you like to do on a typical Saturday night?" Just like you never see "Have you ever been convicted of domestic abuse, and isn't that the real reason you are trying to meet people on the internet?"
The internet allows people to be whoever they wish to be. I could tell a dating site I am King of AtLyndia and it will never question that. It will say "Thanks and now upgrade to GOLD to get the most of your membership!" Why doesn't it ask for tax records or do criminal background checks? I would love to know the girl I am being matched up with wasn't recently released from prison!
And even though I am not overly concerned with physical appearances, there has to be a level of physical attraction in any meaningful and lasting relationship. So if the girl that you think looks like Sandra Bullock from the pictures she has up turns out to look more like Betty White, I call party foul. "Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't updated my profile in a while." Yeah in like 70 years from the look of you...I would say that you need to be arrested for fraud, but I think you would die of old age before you could get sentenced.
You can usually tell that the person isn't what they claim when they make excuses of why they can never meet you in person. If you have been "cyber dating" for two years and have never actually met face to face, it's because the "woman" you have been texting is a 50 year old guy named Mark.
I say forget online dating and let's go back to the proven methods...horoscopes and magic 8 balls.

This Case Makes Me Sad

The world is in an uproar right now. We sit here and mull over the decision, and righteous idignation consumes us. After all, what right did they have to commit such a travesty of justice? Where is the protection for our youth?
Folks, as you all know 11 year old Omar Schpeb was robbed by a group of 5 teenagers while he and his friends were operating their lemonade stand in Strongville, Ohio.
These teens pulled up in a rusty car and threatened to beat them up unless they turned over the cash they had earned. Now, I have heard of knocking over liquor stores...but lemonade stands? After taking the kids $13.50, the 5 teens could each buy a McDouble and they could share a fry.
Omar valiantly chased after the fleeing vehicle, failing not only to catch them, but to get tag number as well. The teens were described as 2 males in blue hoodies with skinny jeans and 3 females. I think I see them right now in class with me! I wonder if there is a reward? I could always call crime stoppers...
In other national headlines, California is once again teaching me why their educational system is so over budgeted. Lawmakers just passed a bill to teach students "Gay History." Now to me, that sounds a little queer. After all, I wasn't aware that history had sex...or the people that taught history had sex either...if you had seen my history teacher you would be in full agreement.
Lawmakers said this measure is to show the contributions that gays, lesbians, transgendered and confused individuals have made to society. I didn't realize that by choosing to have sex with women, that I was performing a note worthy action destined to be recorded by historians should I accomplish anything significant...Oh wait, by being hetero sexual, I won't be noted because of my sexual preference...isn't this a little gay? I mean if we can have a Gay History Month, shouldn't schools also be allowed to have a Straight History Month? Or maybe the lawmakers meant gay as in odd? I can totally see having an odd history month! After all, where would we be if no one knew that the author of the Star Spangled Banner was accused of molesting the flag?
Personally, the idea of adding someones sexual preferences to history books seems self serving and as though it were a political agenda. If someone, male or female, of any race, contributes to society, shouldn't we recognize the person? After all it was John Smith that accomplished that...not a black man that accomplished that...Is it just me or does it seem to demeaning to note a persons ethnicity in their accomplishments? It makes it sound like they accomplished something in spite of, rather than because they were just smarter than the rest of us.
And lastly, everyone in America is wishing for the death of someone right now...and I agree she should die a horrible, painful death in the same manner as she committed her crime!
So, mother Grizzly bear in Yellowstone...I am calling you out! you can't kill innocent hikers just because you are bigger and get away with it because a jury found you not guilty of murder or even manslaughter...You even tried to cover it up and when questioned about it, you changed your story a few times. Sure they are holding you until proper sentencing can be given, but I don't buy it was an accident. I think you mauled that hiker because you wanted to be free to party with the other woodland creatures free of responsibility of being a side show attraction. You better dye your hair to match a black bear or a polar bear and move far away so that no one recognizes you! You have been placed on alert!