I'd Toss Some Change But Was A Little Short

My love for midgets is well known and borders on freakish obsession. Which is why I am watching fervently the upcoming legislation going through the State of Florida's General Assembly. State Representative Ritch Workman has introduced a bill to repeal anti-dwarf tossing legislation.
The laws concerning dwarf tossing were first introduced to Florida in 1989 and levied fines and threatened to revoke liquor licenses from any bar that hosted a "Dwarf Toss" event. Ritch believes that all this legislation did was "put little people out of work," because everyone knows that before 1989 the only jobs that midgets could get was frisbee and chocolate factory worker.
I think if someone wants to get paid for being tossed like a football, then this is America damn it so they should be allowed to! It's not like anyone is forcing them to do this!
It turns out the laws were passed because many midgets were being forced to do this. Apparently bouncers at bars coined the phrase "tossed from a bar" by tossing midgets into the street to help reinforce their macho image. Nothing says manly like a 6 foot 300lb guy tossing a guy the size of a four year old into road for shits and giggles.
Well, times have changed and surely midgets can get the respect they deserve by only being tossed in a manner they approve of! I say Ritch, run your bill through the state legislature and get this unlawful legislation banning little people from keeping honest jobs repealed! It's not like they are qualified for much more than stocking the bottom shelf at the grocery store or posing as yard gnomes!
I say let's up the ante and toss midgets and bouncers! We can toss them off of rooftops! We can toss them off of bridges! We can toss them into traffic! And at that bearded lady at the fair! We can toss them at trains! Or out of airplanes - preferably while tandem jumping without a parachute!
Just think if Florida legalizes dwarf tossing maybe they will legalize other midget related activities - like live bait on a bungee cord trolling for sharks in the gulf! Or maybe a new sport that uses the little person as the ball!
And once Florida makes the right choice, my hope is all other states will follow suit! Because this is a form of discrimination known as heightism. Because if I wanted to be paid to be tossed around, I could enjoy the WWE.
So go on America! Let's take back our dignity by throwing a little person's dignity into the street!

I Get Off On My Addiction

The bad economy has driven many people to places they would rather not be. Bankruptcy. Homelessness. Despair. Depression. And in some of these cases, the victims become the victimizer. Resorting to petty crimes to stay afloat and alive in these difficult times.
Amanda Rose Owens is one such victim turned aggressor.

Amanda had been struggling to pay her bills. She owed hundreds in debt. And she was afraid to miss out on her personal addiction, so she broke into a neighbors house in East Bethel, Minnesota, on 3 separate occasions in a one week period.

The first time she pilfered a camera.

The next time a briefcase.

And the third time a jar of money valued at around $300.

After the second break-in homeowner Darin Pake set up a security surveillance system in order to catch his mystery thief. And lo and behold...it was poor little 18 year old Amanda.

When confronted by police, Amanda allegedly admitted everything...including her reason for the robberies...she is addicted to porn! Amanda had purchased between 20 and 30 new hardcore DVDs and needed a way to pay for them. But rather than become a porn star herself and make money doing something she obviously enjoyed, she decided to break into her neighbors house to rip him off instead.

Amanda must have liked her porn doggy-style, because the video of her break-in shows her entering through the doggy door. It isn't clear what kind of porn she was into though, which is a shame. Maybe she was into Girl-on-Girl? Or most likely, she was into the hapless babysitter being taken advantage of - since she was normally invited into Mr. Pake's residence to babysit his children!

The sad part is that you can get most porn for free on the Internet! So why would you ever need to pay for it? Also, everyone knows that one kinky couple in each town, so just ask to film them and bam! Problem solved! She could also have uploaded a few videos of herself doing an erotic dance and quite possibly made enough money to pay for her addiction. Although, as far as addictions go, isn't porn safer than crack?

Sadly, if this is a real addiction, then she will probably get off...of the charges which carry up to a $20,000 fine and a year in jail.

It's too bad her number is unlisted because she could gain major street cred in the phone sex hotline business now.

Beating A Dead Spouse

Topeka, Kansas has a new motto, "Live Here and You Can Beat Your Spouse With No Fear of Reprisal."
The name Kansas has long been associated with violence - "Kansas" City anyone? But, the state has decided that since Kansas City isn't a city in Kansas, they would make violence a universal concept associated with the name.
Lawmakers in the city decided that prosecuting domestic violence is way too costly and are in the process of debating a measure to decriminalize it. I guess decriminalizing marijuana was worse than letting a man beat his wife. After all people smoking weed are liable to laugh and eat Funions which we can't allow, while abusive husbands keep hospital staff employed. And we need to keep people working, right?
Basically, the state is saying bar fights with men beating on other men while intoxicated bad, drunk men beating their wives at home is perfectly acceptable behavior. Pretty soon they may decriminalize murder so long as it was your spouse that you killed!
If laws that keep victims safe from the ones they trust most aren't worth keeping, then why keep laws at all? I mean look at it this way: Knowing that my wife could cold-cock me with a lead pipe for just smiling makes me smile. It isn't assault and battery it's a kinky love game gone wrong. Today's safe word is aardvark and even though I was screaming it until I passed out from the pain, there is a realistic expectation that she couldn't  understand the words since she knocked out all my teeth and I was gurgling a lot.
Nothing says love like stitches and surgeries to stop the bleeding.
Since no one ever cares about anything that happens in Kansas, I wonder if any other states will follow suit? Can you imagine if domestic violence was decriminalized in California? They already have public nudity, now they could have public nude domestic violence with bitch slapping and valley girl accents!
This isn't the first time that a state has allowed such things though...my home state of Georgia has a law on the books that allows a man to beat his wife in front of the court house with a belt one Sunday a month. The bitch deserved it because she made me dinner every night, took care of my kids, cleaned my house, and worked a full time job. If I didn't beat her ass, she may think I could help with those things. Or worse, make me get a real job! We all know Pimping ain't easy!
So what's next Kansas? Eliminate laws on child abuse? Rape? Jay-walking?
I have an idea! Let's allow the victims of domestic violence to beat the ever loving shit out of the people who vote to approve this measure! Oh wait...that won't work...you can only escape jail time if you are in a relationship with them at the time...

All Of This For An Apple

Folks, today is a somber one. Yesterday, I watched as one of the world's brightest stars faded from view. He was inspirational to us all and while many were always cleaning up after his messes, his contributions to the people were often invaluable.
Those closest to him will say he was always happy, right up until the end. His life was short compared to others, but his zest for it was stronger than the rest of the herd. He had a love for Apples that inspired him to greater heights.
He began life with a humble origin, a young stallion bucking to make his mark on the world. The earlier years were spent in a garage with his best friend, Steve. They made plans and soon built a stable and functional new lifestyle.
Eventually, though he would be forced out of the life he had won for himself and would seek greener pastures. He would return to the orchard in 1997 and assume the chief position. The relationship he had with Steve would never be repaired.
It was always a race for him. Constantly running to stay ahead of the rest, he was a true thoroughbred winner. He had a winning smile and when he spoke, it was enough to get everyone's attention.He was tall and strong and stood many hands above the masses. He made great strides in communication delivery and was extremely user friendly. He was known for jumping headlong into new territory. Forging new paths, not so concerned with the dangers of the present but soley focused on the path to the end result. He would be chastised for not always following the rules, and he would get slapped down many times in his life for kicking and biting his way towards the top. Despite illnesses and hard times, he never once gave up.
In short, he will be missed.
Rest in peace, Buttercup. Never has a finer mustang walked the earth with four giant hooves.
I loved this horse with the very fiber of my being. A memorial service will be held on the 11th for anyone that wishes to attend. We will also allow short speeches to made in his honor.

I Think This Is Scarier Than Dying

October is the month of horrors, so in celebration of this concept I turn my attention to some of the most disturbing news I have seen thus far.
First up when Omaima Nelson told her husband William that he looked quite tasty, he probably thought she was talking about a kinky new sex game. Omaima is up for parole for the 1991 murder and consumption of her former spouse. Authorities discovered a grisly scene upon her arrest. Deep fried fingers, BBQ man ribs and boiled eye balls were on the menu and this disturbing meal apparently answered another question: she does indeed swallow!
This real life Hannibal Lector is currently serving 25 years to life and hopes to be released so she can move a head with her life. She claims that by finding Jesus she knows that her dead and long eaten husband has been restored in Heaven - even if she dismembered him on earth.
My home state made the news recently. On September 20, Macon fire fighters decided to pull a little prank on the new guys. In a video that went viral, a masked man enters the station brandishing a weapon. The masked gunman then grabs another fireman and drags him off screen and a shot is heard which made the rookies immediately shit themselves.
I applaud the fireman for what the liberal media is calling an "unnecessary stunt that endangered the lives of everyone in the firehouse." Of course it was necessary, how else could these 1st aide responders be prepared to deal with all the wild and crazy gun toting psychos that hang out at fires? I just think the video could have been made better if one of the rookies had tried to wrestle the loaded weapon away from his masked co-worker! Getting shot in the line of duty is expected when you drive vehicles with 24 inch rims and loud stereo systems! After all, why do you think they dress in yellow? You know, one of the official colors of hunter safety? I say give these guys that did the video a medal and as for the rookies that didn't move to eliminate the threat by shanking the gunman with a hand crafted shiv? They should be reprimanded and possibly fired. The video is found here.
If you are a man in France this may be the scariest story I talk about all day...A judge in the Southern town of Nice has recently ordered a man to pay his wife 10,000 euros as part of a divorce settlement - for failing to satisfy her sexually! In the country that proclaims itself to be comprised of the world's best lovers, it is an offense punishable by fines to be anything less! So guys mark the calendar because as of September 9th 2011 (at least in France) not making the earth move can be expensive!
Trusting your co-workers is scary enough when they aren't actually out to get you, but beware if they are! California judge Walter Schwarm ordered Michael Lallana of Fullerton to pay his co-workers $27,000 for damages on September 5th. And what did he damage? Their sexuality! See, Mike thought it would be great to add his semen to bottles of water and then share those with all his fellow workers. Maybe he thought adding his seed to water would help it grow!
Lastly, in August, a woman went to the home of a prospective employer in Arizona only to find a pair of dead bodies laying next to the front door. It turns out this was her potential employers. Gives new meaning to avoiding a dead end job, doesn't it?

I Just Would Like A Little Quiet

In a startling new trend of hating children, The Trimet (Oregon's largest transit agency) kicked a woman and her baby off a bus at night because the baby was being fussy. The incident happened in Portland on last Thursday around 8 PM. It all started when a young non-English speaking woman and her baby got onto a bus. The driver became irate and pulled the bus over about the loud and obnoxious child. The driver then walked back to the girl and her child and told her that if the child couldn't get quiet then she would have to leave.
I have to stop here to say that Guy Yelling At His Cell Phone and Dude Playing Obnoxious Music Way Too Loudly are way more offensive than a child crying...also what about Just Shit Himself Man and Drunk & Feeling Up Little Girls Homeless Person sitting at the back of the bus? Are they more socially acceptable than a woman alone with a baby? And what better way to deal with them than to just randomly pull over on the side of the road and make them get off in the dark? I am sure that they safely made it home! After all, what is safer for a young attractive woman that can't speak the language than to be left in the dark in a strange part of town?
You would think that there would be many on the bus that would have been happy for the quiet, but after forcing the woman off and pulling away the bus stopped again a few feet away - every passenger left the bus!
Maybe they just all missed their stops? I mean they couldn't have been offended by the driver's behavior so much that they would deliberately get off the bus in a strange part of town nowhere near a bus stop to just make sure this woman and child were safe, right? It turns out every passenger was so offended that they all exited the bus in protest of the driver's behavior.
This isn't the first time that businesses have taken a stand against children. Restaurants and movie theatres have slowly started banning children. It is a depression after all, so their motto's are "be depressed with your kids at home, so I don't have to be depressed by them in public." Once every business has successfully ostracized children, they will certainly have plenty of business from the 2% of people in America that do not have any. I am sure that group can ensure these places can keep their doors open!
I don't think the bans are going far enough to be honest! Let's ban all unattractive people from public places! If you look like Quasimodo, then go find a bell tower because we don't want to look at you! Or how about banning the elderly? We don't care what a gallon of milk cost in "your day" so just stay home! We can also ban people that own pets from ever being allowed in public again, because if they so prefer their animals then they can stay with them! Or how about people that are too tall or too short? Or anyone wearing purple? Or says the word "Hello?" And since I want to eat at fast food places with worrying about getting fat, ban every obese person from entering my range of vision!
Yeah, let's put bans in place to keep all of these undesirables out of public so they don't contaminate it with their backwards thinking and loud shirts/children/dogs/husbands/orgasms!
This way the only people we will have in those trendy restaurants, hot clubs, and the public transit system will be crickets!

I Just Want To Pet Your Kitty

Folks. Hell hath no fury like a woman delivering the mail. Yesterday, Christine Hemming, the wife of British law maker John Hemming, was convicted of stealing a Kitten from John's mistress home while delivering his mail.
This bizarre story begins back around 2004 when John confessed to having had 26 affairs since the two married in 1981. Among those affairs, one in particular stood out. Stood out because she was a mirror image duplicate of his current wife.

As you can see, the only difference is one of them wears glasses and the other has a purple shirt. I am not even sure which woman is which. And I am sure that is precisely why John started spending more time with the mistress than with his wife. He was confused as to whom he was spending his time with.
The mistress, Emily Cox, has a porn star name. That isn't relevant to the story at all, other than that she sounds like she makes adult films.
So John began a long and vomitous relationship with the two wildebe ah hum--I mean women. This love triangle played out in the spotlight and so it was no surprise that in 2005 John entered the Weekly World News' "Love Rat" competition. Supposedly, Christine made an exception for Ms Cox to start sleeping with her husband. She also bought the girl a house on their property and they shared tea time on Fridays and a man on the weekend. But, before long John was spending more time with Emily than with Christine. Cue the sappy horror love story music.
This enraged the wife so to show her disapproval of an affair that she enabled and allowed for several years, she finally threw her husband out of the main house and into the guest one she bought for Emily, in September 2010. For 4320 long minutes, Christine lived the life of a single mother that owned the house her husband and his mistress lived in. Things were great until Christine went to deliver her husbands mail.
That was when she saw that she wasn't the only thing he had replaced. Seeing a four month old kitten set her off in a rage and she crept under a window and grabbed the cat and fled the property. A CCTV captured the whole event.
When questioned by police she was quoted as saying "this kitten comes up to me and starts rubbing itself on my leg and I basically thought, not only has he replaced me but he replaced our cats."
She would later deny saying that to police and claim the whole day as a blur.
That's why she was so shocked that yesterday they found her guilty of a crime. After all, if she technically pays for the house...can she be guilty of trespassing? But apparently the courts didn't agree and she was released on bail until sentencing can be arranged.
It just goes to show that no likes it when you take their pussycat.